One day, just like that, you were gone, and before I knew it I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. I couldn't imagine how someone I had given so much to and someone I had cared so much about, and who had cared so much about me could leave just like that. Day after day it was a string of waking up and losing you all over again, telling my friends I was fine one second and crying to them the next. I didn't understand, I'd be perfectly fine and then I would suddenly feel so sad, so heartbroken, and so weak. Weak because I let you make me feel this way and I shouldn't have, but the second I started thinking I was okay, I saw you again. We talked, I cried, you left, I died inside. Seeing you every day makes my heart sink, but I don't deserve it.
Realizing that took me longer than I'd like to admit, but this is what I need you to know: I'm moving on. Finally, I'm done starting to text you time and time again, starting to say I miss you, then talking myself out of it. I won't listen to sad songs anymore. I won't think about our memories and re-live the days we spent together. I'm erasing every trace of you. I'm smiling brighter, I'm laughing louder, I'm enjoying myself more now, I'll start to have more fun than I ever had, and if it's the last thing I do, I swear I'll find something that's better than what we had. I'll find someone who makes me feel so amazing I won't have to worry about you or even think about you anymore.
That's not to say that your memory won't knock the breath out of me on a random afternoon when I see something that makes me think of you. That's not to say that I won't remember the promises you made me and want to scream at myself for ever believing you. You shouldn't have done that to me. But it was my fault I should have known better. But the difference is that I'll recognize the pain in those memories, and then I'll set them down and walk away. I don't need you, I'm over it. I don't need your memories or the pain you caused me because I'm done carrying that around with me and I'm done giving you that power over me.
So don't call me up someday when I've finally forgotten your laugh; don't think about me at all if you can help it. You lost that right when you made the choices you did. This isn't some stupid love story we'll tell later down the road about how we beat the odds and came through stronger on the other side. This is done, do you understand? I'm finally done.
I remember when all of this started. I couldn't have predicted you if I'd tried. I was so focused on myself that it took me a while to even admit I was interested in you. You were the one I didn't see coming, and then before long, you were the one I couldn't imagine leaving.
I'll be honest. I lied to myself and to everyone else for a long time. “We aren't anything serious," I'd say. “I'm just having fun." How stupid was I to think that I could resist getting caught up in you? Those months that we spent together were some of the best of my life. I didn't think it was possible for a someone to make me laugh like you did, to make me feel the way you did. You brought out a side of me I had never seen before, you brought out a smile in me that no one else could and even though that scared me, I didn't want it stop.
You had me so fooled
Years from now I'll look back on the adventures we had and laugh at how crazy we were. I'll remember the extreme happiness I felt while we were together and I'll be grateful for this because it has molded me in ways I can't begin to explain. Someday I'll tell my daughter about you and pray that she learns from my mistakes, and when that day comes I'll wonder where you are and genuinely wish you the kind of happiness that I will have found.
I know you'll never read this. But I'll read this on those nights when it feels like everything is starting to fall apart. Again and again and again, I'll read this and remind myself of the promise I'm making at this very moment, to look forward and stop letting your memory control my happiness. Someone wise once said, “Suddenly you'll just know, that it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings." Well I'm trusting that this was just one short chapter of my book, and this is me turning the page.
Onto the next.
