An Open Letter To The Boy Who Planned Our Wedding:
I met you when love was the last thing I wanted. I met you when I wanted to kiss all of the boys I could. But then you came along and you changed me. You took me on our first date to the ice cream shop by your house, and our second to the dog park. You kissed me on my forehead when you hugged me. You told me how I made you open up, and come out of your shell. You sent me songs every night. I became cheesy and sappy, and we became the couple I hated. We were disgustingly cute, and we loved every second of it. You became my best friend, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my pillar. When you first said “I love you”, I couldn’t stop crying because I couldn’t believe you felt it too.
You told me you knew how you were going to propose to me. You wouldn’t tell me, but you said you knew I’d love it. We decided that we’d get married on the North Shore in the summer. You wanted to not have bridesmaids or groomsmen, just a maid of honor and best man. I liked how simple it was. Different shades of purple and cream would be our colors, because your favorite color is purple. We’d get married the year after we graduated college, you’d go to grad school and I’d get my masters. We wanted to live in a crappy little apartment and love every second of it. Our first song was “I Won’t Let You Go” by Hedley. You would tell me “Even if it sounds crazy, darling, I won’t let you go” when I got afraid. When I said I wasn’t worth it you’d say “I would walk 500 miles”, because that song makes me cry when I think about you. We would save our money to get a house with a yard. We would go to church every Sunday. We’d get our husky puppy, then our collie. Then we would have our three kids. I wanted a girl named Piper, you liked that name, but didn’t know what names you liked. You wanted to buy me a promise ring for Christmas, but could only afford a beautiful heart necklace. We never got tired of telling each other how much we loved each other, talking about our future together, planning everything because we were so madly in love.
It has been 380 days since you broke up with me. It has been 380 days since you left me collapsed in the snow, screaming your name, gasping for breath, and sobbing. It has been 380 days since you told me I loved you too much. It’s been 380 days since we stood holding each other, sobbing in the -3 degree winter. It has been 380 days since I last felt whole, full, and happy. It has been 380 days since I wanted to be in love. In the last 380 days, a day hasn’t gone by that I haven’t cried at least once. Everyday for the last 380 days, I’ve wished there would be a ‘one day’ for us. It has been 380 days since you’ve been mine, and somehow I love you more than I did 380 days ago.
After you broke my heart, you still wanted to be my best friend. I needed you, so of course I said yes. We became best friends again, but I still loved you so much. One thing about you never changed, and that was your sex drive. I probably shouldn’t have agreed to a ‘best friends-with-benefits’ relationship with you, but at least you weren’t with someone else. You knew I still had feelings for you, you knew how much I loved you. You told me ‘you just didn’t feel that way’. You told me how much you loved me, just not in that way.
Less than a month after the last time we were ‘together’, you got yourself a girlfriend. You told me that any girl that wasn’t okay with us being best friends wouldn’t be in your life. We don’t talk anymore. It’s been 20 days since we last spoke, and the last thing I said to you was “I’m sorry for everything, I love you”. Even though you broke me, I feel so guilty, I wish for your sake I never met you, because I’m caused you so much stress.
So, to the boy who planned our wedding, I wrote our vows. I vow to never let myself be vulnerable. I vow never get married on the North Shore. I vow that after today, I will never show my weakness for you. I vow to never have a daughter named Piper. I vow to never allow myself to be shattered by someone. I vow to never let a love so strong to tear me apart. If I ever find happiness, I vow to never put my happiness in someone else’s hands. I vow to never trust someone as much as I trusted you. I vow to never love another man, because you ruined me. In sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, I will never fall in love again.
With unrequited love from,
The girl who you planned your life with.
