It's funny to think it's been two years since I met you, a little over 3 months since I've spoken to you and not a day goes by where you're not on my mind.
Looking at you for the first time was nothing like I'd experienced before, as cliché as it sounds. I never quite believed that there was such a thing as being emotionally and physically drawn to someone the moment you lay eyes on them. But it happened. With you. The second our eyes met, I honestly knew with every fiber of my being that you would be my greatest downfall. Your long curly hair, deep brown eyes and your signature smirk that all the girls before me had fallen for. Damn, was I gone for.
I always wondered if the attraction was purely one-sided or if I read the signs wrong. I completely ignored the fact that you had someone you were talking to. I was on a mission to be with you. It's funny because I don't know why I didn't think of her because I have been that girl and I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. I guess I see now Karma is true and you receive what you dish out cause boy did did my punishment come in like raging waterfalls all at once.
Talking to you came so easily. It was all so fluid. I opened up to you in ways I didn't know possible. Was that why it was so easy for you to break me? you knew everything. I let you in. You had me in the palm of your hand and it was inevitable that I would be here, crying over you night after night.
What made me lose myself in you? I ask myself that everyday. Maybe it was the idea of you. 'The bad boy turned good for the girl he loved' was what I imagined. I don't know what made me think I'd change you. You never gave me reason to. Maybe it was the way I would hang on all the things you said that made butterflies fly around in my stomach or make my heart flatter or even give me goosebumpe. Like, 'you're mine' or even my absolute favorite, 'you're beautiful'. And even on days when you'd ignore me or never even look at me. I still only wanted you, I was willing to bend over backwards in everything that I did in order to make you happy. I was willing to lose myself to make you happy. I was willing to give myself to make you happy. No matter what people told me or how many times they tried to talk down about you, my immediate response was to protect you. To prove them wrong. But in the end all I did was prove them right.
I never understood what we were. I had this fantasy that you were mine and I was yours. Whenever I told people about you, they only knew the good parts. Not the fact that you went home with other girls or probably laughed about me with your friends. None of that. Because I Knew I was being pathetic. Honestly, I was hopelessly in love with you. Even now, I am hopelessly in love with you because I don't know how to be anything else. The only difference is. I'm broken into a million pieces thinking about what could have been if I was someone else. Would you love me? Would you care more? Would you be here now?
I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone because as I sit here writing this, I look back at how the last two years have drastically changed me. I lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. Everything I do, I do with caution. Everytime I meet someone I will ruin it with the idea of you, one day, miraculously loving me. I will destroy anything good that even makes me a little happy because I don't believe I deserve happiness. I make myself not feel anything because feelings destroy people. Break people. I look at myself and don't even try anymore. I'm just living life passively. And as stupid and pathetic as it sounds, it's true. But I've come to realize as the days go by, I slowly find myself not thinking about you every second. but still everyday. I guess you can say I'm trying. But nothing is making it better. Not yet anyway.
I always sit and wonder, if you think about me like I do you?
I just want to move on, and let you go. Because I know with fully letting you go, I will be free. Free of the pain I have felt for so long. I want to just build myself up and be better. And to wish the next girl who I hope will have what I didn't, so you don't break her like you did me, the utmost happiness because she will have what I always craved. You.
You were it for me. You were everything I wanted. It just wasn't shared and I see that now, it's just too late.
At this point. I love you.
In the future, I pray I forget you.
