what I have for you is not love, you said. but your name still echoes in my head, your face never seems to fade, memories of us still linger in me, the thought of your smile still gives me butterflies, and remembering the way you used to look at me makes my heart ache. so if this is not love then tell me why, why the fuck am I like this?
I catch myself thinking about you a pretty significant amount throughout the day, and that makes things a hell of a lot worse because I’m almost certain you don’t think of me. during the day it isn’t half as bad as it gets at night though. right now it’s eleven and i’m only on the second paragraph but the tears are already flowing. I never would’ve thought that I’d start my freshman year at SHSU and end up falling in love, especially not with someone who doesn’t even believe in the concept of love nor were you willing to try and be open-minded to the idea. when I met you, it was like I had known you for years. you were anything but a stranger. we talked for hours about things i would never open up about to someone i had just met. you know our first kiss is the only one I’ve ever had that I can actually recall, probably because that was the best first kiss I’ve ever fucking had. we were standing out on your balcony talking about god knows what and then you reached over, put your hand around the back of my neck, and pulled me towards you. in that moment I knew I was screwed; I had never decided that I actually genuinely liked someone as quickly as I did with you. thinking about that first week we spent together and the several weeks that followed is something I can’t totally do without being on the verge of falling apart. your voice saying that I was the one you’d been looking for won’t stop replaying in my head, hearing you talk about how thankful you were that I was with you made me feel like the luckiest girl on earth, and the way it sounded when you used to say that you love me was definitely something I could’ve gotten used to. I still remember the first time you said it, in between kisses, and ordinarily this would be something people reminisce on in a positive light, but those were empty words. you didn’t mean them. when i said it to you i meant it with every single bone in my body, but when you said it to me it was simply because you knew that was what I wanted to hear. I accepted that love just wasn’t in the books for you, but I held on to a sense of hope that maybe I’d be able to one day change your mind. I left love out of the equation because of how happy you made me. especially on simple days, like when we made tuna sandwiches in my kitchen or ordered pizza. (I still find you getting protective when the delivery guy flirted with me adorable btw.) i didn’t care what we were doing, being with you made me feel like I was on top of the world and the way your face would light up when you’d see me made me feel like I was actually worth something to someone.
October 30th was the last good, scratch that, amazing day that we spent together. we went to the movies, walked around the historical buildings by the duck pond, and stayed up late watching scary movies. i ended up having the covers stolen from me and you sprawled out across my bed with both your leg and arm laid across my body. I couldn’t move and it was freezing and you were snoring directly into my ear, but I didn’t mind. sometimes I think that might be a little piece of what love really is, me not minding when if it was anyone else I know damn well that shit wouldn’t slide. anyways, that day I didn’t know if it could get much better than that, but then something changed and you bolted. the next day it was like someone flipped a switch and you disappeared without putting any consideration towards me. Halloween was the day things began to turn downhill and I did everything I could think of to try to stop it. you came back to Huntsville but you weren’t the same person you were before, so it feels almost like you never really returned. we went from being inseparable to barely speaking, you went from treating me like I was your entire world to acting like I was just another irrelevant factor in your life. no, I don’t think there has to be constant contact between us nor do I believe it’s a must that we see each other every day. I understand why things had to change; we both have priorities that fall above our relationship but when that shift happened, something inside of me broke. I started to feel you slip away and I didn’t know what the fuck I could do about it. my efforts were blatantly ignored and therefore it was beyond my control. it’s been three weeks since then, and here I am writing this letter to you that I’m almost positive you’ll never even get to read. I’m pretty set on never showing you or sending it to you, I just needed to get my thoughts from my head onto paper. I mean hell, even if you did read it it probably wouldn’t impact much of anything. I haven’t slept since two nights ago and although sleep is probably what I need most in this world right now, it’s impossible. inconsistency isn’t something I handle very well, and for the past three weeks we’ve been nothing but unstable, unsure, and just fucking lost. you go from acting like I don’t exist, to telling me you worry about how much longer I’m gonna wait for you, to acting like I don’t exist again, to saying you miss me, and then back to acting like I don’t exist. it’s constantly switching back and forth and I’ve been trying so fucking hard the past couple weeks to just be there for you and to refrain from losing you. I know that when we started this we knew it was a slim chance that we’d actually make it but you said you were in this with me for the long run and I didn’t even hesitate to commit to you. i saw potential in us, i wanted to grow with you, i wanted to establish a common goal and work from there. i guess i got ahead of myself though, because i never planned on letting myself be vulnerable with you but before I knew it my walls were down and i had let you in. i didn’t come to Huntsville to play around and experience stereotypical college life. i came here to focus on school, and somewhere along the way I ended up meeting you. having you in my life these past several months has been amazing, so never doubt that. I enjoyed every moment with you, and my feelings for you grew with every coming day. (yes, even the bad days.) last Wednesday when you came over and actually hugged on me and kissed me for the first time in what felt like forever, I was so content. this ache in my chest was nonexistent and it was like a huge weight had been lifted. I actually thought we were gonna be okay, and that was a stupid stupid assumption for me to make. so now I have absolutely no idea where we stand, nor do I know what your thoughts and feelings are towards me. I know you have a lot on your plate right now and I know I’m the farthest thing from the first thing on your mind, but there’s this part of me that keeps saying not to let you go. not yet. the most challenging part is that I can’t tell if you even still want to be held on to.
you don’t know this yet, but I’m leaving Huntsville in three weeks and I’m not coming back. I’m moving to Austin, and although that’s where your family is that could mean absolutely nothing for us. my mom has been trying to get me to transfer from Sam since the beginning of October, and I told her no because the thought of walking away from you was horrible. but now I guess I don’t really have anyone or anything keeping me here. you were what made this place bearable, and now? with how small this town is if I stayed I’d be seeing you almost daily and it’d be a constant reminder that I managed to lose someone I never wanted to say goodbye to.
when we met, my brain was telling me to run. to get out while i still could because we both knew this wasn’t going to be easy under all of the circumstances. but my heart told me that with you was where I needed to be, at least for the time being. I can’t lie and tell you it doesn’t hurt, because this entire thing is fucking heartbreaking. it’s kinda funny because you would think that after having my heart broken so many times that it’d eventually get easier, but it doesn’t. not with you. not after how strong and fast I fell for you, only to be on the verge of losing you three short months later. you once said that if you and I were to ever break up that I’d find someone else within a week, and I can tell you without a doubt that that is not true. the thought of you with another girl makes me sick to my stomach and I can’t even imagine myself touching or being touched by someone else, because it’s only your skin that I want to feel against my own. we may or may not be done, but I’ve been preparing myself for the worst so I’m trying to accept that we probably are. just know that although we didn’t always see eye-to-eye, and there were things I wanted that you weren’t willing to give, you weren’t/aren’t a shitty boyfriend or person. we’ve both had our share of fuck ups, but I’ve appreciated you an immense amount and I’m so thankful that I met you. even though, I have to admit, there are moments when I wish I never would’ve given you the time of day.
you might not think you deserve me, but who’s to say who deserves who? everyone has flaws, and everyone exemplifies their own flaws so much more than necessary. you’re incredible, and you still mean everything to me. you once said that I was the girl of your dreams, but I guess you decided to wake up. I really did try my best to be what you need, and I will continue to try until you tell me otherwise. I’m not giving up on you. maybe I’m crazy for sticking around and thinking that things might find a way to work out, but I’d rather be crazy than walk away before I know for sure that there’s no hope.
this has gotten to be pretty lengthy, so i’ll wrap it up. I know that if we do end I’ll get over it to an extent and so will you, probably much faster than I will. but loving you is something that won’t come to an end, not easily at least. you still own my heart. I have no interest in anyone else, nor do i care to meet anyone else. I’d do anything for you and I’m not going anywhere, because there’s no one else i’d rather be with and I know that I’m head over heels in love with you. but if I was to say that to your face your response would be filled with doubt, and you’d probably say something about how love is stupid and not real.
then you’d say what I have for you is not love. but your name still echoes in my head, your face never seems to fade, memories of us still linger in me, your smile is still my weakness and your laugh is contagious, and remembering the way you used to look at me makes my heart fucking ache for you. so if this is not love then tell me why, why the fuck am I like this? why have i stayed by your side through as much as i have? i wouldn’t make half as much of an effort towards you if i didn’t love you, J.
I want nothing but the best for you, in every aspect. I hope I can be what’s best for you, but if not then I really do hope you find exactly what you’re looking for. You have a very bright future ahead of you with or without me in it; you’re going places.
when I asked a friend whether or not you should read this they said “Definitely. Because that kind of raw emotion, that kind of pure love, is extremely rare in this day and age and he needs to know exactly what he’s losing before it’s too late.” I’m not really sure what to think of that but I know that if you do read this some day, that being tomorrow or in a week or in a month, there’s a chance you’ll feel nothing. maybe you won’t even read it all the way through. but maybe you’ll surprise me and it’ll be the other way around. I don’t have much to lose at this point so what’s the harm in a little risk? i gave this letter a shot although trying to write about love and explaining it to you is basically impossible, because no matter how many words i’ve written there will never be enough.
“dude, you’re perfect.”
- L
