To the boy who broke me,
We dated for three years. You were my everything and I was yours. You were practically my first everything. My first boyfriend, first kiss, first love. We were supposed to be forever, we were supposed to be infinite. You treated me so well. You would hold me when i'm crying, take care of me when I was sick, constantly do whatever I asked as long as it made me happy. You loved me and I know you did. I just don’t know how it got lost. You did a terrible thing to me. I was crushed, I never thought I could love again or be loved. I was so damaged. Normally, people who have gone through this take years to recover, sometimes they never do, sometimes they can never forgive. But I did.
It only took me about five months to heal. I had my ups and downs, black and white days. Sometimes I hated you, other times I loved you. I finally got to the point where I could forgive you. For real. And I did. I forgave you and you came over. We talked it all out. You said you loved me, that you missed me, and still wanted to be with me. Except, there was one problem. You were now in a relationship that had just began. But I still had hope. We talked for three hours. You held me as I cried, brushed your fingers through my hair just as you used to. I knew at that point you were all I wanted. We caught up on everything and I let you know how sorry I was that I had hurt you too. And you forgave me.
Within those three hours, you kept saying how much you wanted to kiss me, and by the end of the night you did. You left and we were both happy. You left me with the hope we would be together. I knew better, I knew that you wouldn’t of left her for me. But I just kept saying how we had three years and she had a week. Somehow I thought that meant you would want to be with me. I broke up with you five months ago because I was forced to. I had to recover from the damage that you had caused me. When you got home you told me that you were staying with her but you needed time to truly figure out if you wanted me or her. You said you really liked her but you still loved me. For some reason I just knew you would choose me and not her. I was wrong. I was so wrong. You soon came over because you knew how much I loved you and how hurt I was that you had kissed me and told me to act like it never happened.
To tell no one. You didn’t want her finding out. When you came over I was so angry, so distraught and hurt. I had never been violent with you for as long as I knew you but something came over me. I pushed you away from me. Hard. I didn’t want you near me. You stood there in shock because you knew that wasn't the true me. I eventually calmed down and you proceeded to tell me that you loved her. That you wanted her. And not me. You said how you hurt me “too many times.” and so it couldn’t work but with her it could because you hadn’t hurt her yet. Must I remind you though that you cheated on her, and you did hurt her. At this point I could see in your face the realization of what you had done. You were upset that you had hurt her, not me. At this point, It didn’t really matter. You just needed to stay on my good side so I wouldn’t tell people our secret. You tried to let me down easy but no matter how you said it, it hurt like hell. You continued to tell me that you did not want to be with me and knew it the whole time. You just kept saying you needed time because you didn’t want to hurt me. You knew the entire time that you weren’t going to be with me. You played me. I was so mad and you would not leave when I asked. You stayed for about another twenty minutes and said you wanted to help me.
You eventually left, and I am here. I am stuck in the past and I can’t move on. I am still trying to pick up the shattered pieces. I don’t know how I will go to school. I don’t know if I can. I can’t bare to see you with her. Knowing that you played me and still want her. I can’t see you anymore. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I have shut down completely and I don’t know if I can ever forgive you again. You treated me so poorly, and I don't understand why I still want to be with you. But then again I do know why. As I read from a book once, “You only accept the love that you think you deserve.”
