Boy,
I've written this letter over and over again for months, but I decided to just write everything out and edit along the way. I've tried starting with the usual openings of "I miss you"s and "I need you"s. That, however sounded too needy. I also tried with "I hate you" and "I never want to hear from you again". That doesn't work. So, how will I address the boy who took up four years of my life? How do I talk to the guy who was my first love without even realizing it? The one who threw it all away for someone identical to me? I'll start like this.
As I start packing for college, I literally pass through things that have been small, intricate parts of our journey. I carefully folded the burgundy, confetti covered shirt that I wore for the birthday party you planned for me. I debated on whether or not it still smelled of you, which is why I literally haven't worn it since that day. I stuffed the handwritten note you attached to my Christmas present into the book I'll be reading on my way to Chicago. The crumpled up notebook paper is almost illegible due to the amount of tears that fell on it, but it makes a pretty good bookmark. Little things like these remind me of what we were. We were teenagers who genuinely thought the fates had our best interest in mind. Oh, how I wish to be that naive again.
I always thought of how I would fantasize our lives intertwined in some way. I thought we'd be the main characters in a rom-com; we'd be best friends who move in together and eventually fall in love. Or I'd fall for this rich, emotionless puppet and you'd interrupt the wedding, telling me how much you loved me. My life would have been complete. But, none of that happened. I'm left alone in my room, leaving half way across the country while you're working two jobs so that you and your girlfriend can afford rent this month. We never knew this would happen, but we also knew that things wouldn't last as long as we'd hope.
In my months of grieving, I thought of all the things I'd tell you. Like I hate how out of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose her. The one I called my twin. My supposed other half. We both had the same qualities to offer, but somehow I wasn't enough. Maybe I knew too much about you to be with you. Maybe she offered to take your virginity way faster than I ever would. That's the only thing that was different between us... I would have yelled at you for running away all the time. Whenever things weren't the way you wanted, you'd leave, making me think I was the problem. You were cowardly and I had to be the strong one, admitting I was wrong when we both knew I wasn't. You hurt me so bad, but I wanted you. I wanted to be a part of your life. I knew you before you knew who you were. Did that not mean anything to you? Did my friendship come with an expiration date? I had a tattoo dedicated to you, but never told you because she was worth more. I was never good enough and I even self harmed and blamed myself for everything you would blame me for. I remember swiping the blade across my wrists whenever we'd argue or whenever you were out with her. Of course, I couldn't tell you that I was hurting this way.
When I found out you lost your virginity to her, I cried for hours. I was a friends house, cuddled up to a replica of the bear you'd given your girlfriend for her birthday. We were talking about horrible exes when your name seemed to spark up in the conversation. I stayed relatively quiet since you and I hadn't spoken for about three months at the time. She mentioned how you lost your innocence to her and how you were a different person afterwards. Those words hit me like little needles coating my throat. I started to sob into her bear and no one said another word. They knew I was hurting. They knew I needed time to grieve a little bit more. The same innocence that I always went back to was gone. I never told anyone that I knew this.
Nothing will ever take back the pain, my dear. You were my high school years; my best years. You were my teenage years. Since the first day of school our freshman year, when you walked through the door in Ms. Pierce's honors biology class. I thought you were amazingly cute and if I could back, I'd tell myself to stay away from you. Since our first real conversation our sophomore year. Where I wanted to be a teacher and you believed in me when you never really knew me. Our junior year where you told me I was the most important person in your life. I couldn't sleep that night because my heart was going a million miles per minute. Our senior year, where you told me you missed me, then you surprised me for my birthday. You were my best years.
Nothing will ever mend the brokenness that will forever reside with me, but I forgive you nonetheless. You were my unrequited love, but you unintentionally taught me the pain that came with loving someone. Love isn't easy and although you didn't love me in that sense, I'm thankful for the love you DID give me. You gave me your own kind of love and I learned that beggars can never be choosers. These last four years have been a blessing for me and I will always remember the amazing things we've experienced. I know I will have my heart broken again, but it was a privilege to let you break it first; I pray yours is never broken again.
I wish you the absolute best. I hope this is your last relationship and that she treats you like the amazing person you are. I hope she knows how you don't like gummy candies and won't make the mistake of buying you a whole box of them for Christmas. I hope she'll be able to afford to buy you shoes in your size because they're pretty expensive. I hope she'll take you out to play tennis every so often because you're too good to just stop playing the rest of your life. I hope she makes you laugh and will watch you draw. I hope she misses you when you're gone and appreciates the moments she spends with you. You deserve to be deliriously happy and if she really is my other half, my twin, my friend, she will make sure of that. Take care of each other.
So, boy that I once loved, I love you, I miss you and I forgive you. Thank you for giving me the best you could give me and hopefully we'll mend everything in due time. If you ever stumbled upon this, know that you have my number and will always be welcome to talk whenever you need it.
Sincerely,
The girl that loved you
