An open letter to the boy i gave my everything to and still destroyed me
Dear boy,
In the beginning i wasn't much of the person i should have been,I had issues and addictions.I wasnt really worth your time. I put you through hell and for that i will forever be sorry. If im being honest you terrified me, no one had ever saw me the way you did, no one had ever wanted me the way you did, no one had ever made me feel the way you did.I had walls that had always kept me safe and kept me braced from the world but you... you somehow made them fall over time with you undying love for me even when i was awful.You saw me through the worst times of my life.If not for you i wouldnt be here today, you saved me.
For a while after everything happened we were so amazingly happy, we had a beautiful life and an amazing love. You were everything i ever wanted and i couldn't believe you were mine, and maybe looking back that is where the trouble started...I had such guilt for who i was and how i treated you at the start and i felt so lucky to have you that i started to compromise on the things that were fundamental to me.I started to give way more then i received and i started to let you think things were okay that honestly weren't. I let you start to walk all over me and looking back maybe if i had stood up for myself then instead of just feeling like i owed it to you for sticking with me then maybe things would be different today. Things werent bad by any means it really was just small stuff, meaningless stuff that could have been fixed with a conversation, but it was the start of bad habits and tolerating less then partnership.
Things were still good more then they were bad, hell things most of the time were amazing and i still couldn't believe you were mine,And then your world got shattered... you lost a parent and everything that followed was horribly agonizing for you. I stood by you, i did any and everything for you, I let you take out your anger on me, i let you cry on me. I would pretend to sleep until i knew you were asleep so i could just make sure you were okay. The weeks that followed are all a blur of pain. I was watching you hurt in a way i couldnt fix, I didnt know how to help, so i decided to just be everything and anything you needed. I put my entire life aside and made you my priority, my world. I dont regret it, you needed me and i was there without question.
This is where it started to go donwhill, your grief was so over powering that you couldnt focus on anything else, you were changing into someone i didnt even recognize and the wort part is you couldn't even help it. Our once amazing life had become one full of fights and make ups only to fight again shortly after. You were pushing me away and i didnt know why. I dont even think you knew why, so i took all the hateful world, the poor treatment, the lack of time invested and the lack of love being shown and made it into excuses for you because of what you were dealing with, looking back i dont think this helped you the way i thought it did.It taught you i was always going to take it, i was going to let you walk all over me and i was going to apologize when i didnt do anything wrong simply to avoid a fight.
This went on for a few years, it slowly got worse and i was still clinging to the idea i could make it better by just being and doing everything you needed.Sadly it didnt help, you left me in such an agonizing way. i was shattered, my entire life had just fallen apart and i was lost. You were my world and you were just gone, although you never truly left.those late night drunk hurtful texts just to keep me thinking about you, those nights i was out with my friends and saw you, it all kept your memory and the feelings very fresh. for months i cried myself to sleep every night, wishing you would come back, wishing you would see how much i loved you and how much i would do for you.
And then one night after months of wishing for it, you did come back. I felt like i had won the lottery, i was guarded and i needed you to prove you wanted it, and you did, slowly over the following weeks you made me feel safe again, you made me feel happy and whole again. The pieces you broke when you left were going back together.For a long time everything was perfect, all the things i needed from you for a long time were finally happening, i was your priority, it felt amazing, i was valued and loved,and then somewhere along the way things slowly started to slip back into the old ways, not all at once. more like a slow decline down a steep hill.
And now here we are, you have left me again and destroyed me for the second time. Everything ive given you was never enough. You broke me, shattered the human being i am and shook me to the core. I love you with all i have and you watched as your words cut deep and you didnt feel a thing. As i cried and drove away you never tried to stop me, you were content with the choice you made. You had convinced yourself i was the problem, i was why you were not happy, i was the reason for your problems. The truth is you havent been happy for a long time and its not because of me. You broke my heart twice and yet i still cant bring myself to feel anything but love for you. I guess that is the difference between you and i. I really to the core meant it every time i said I LOVE YOU, you clearly didnt.
So even with all the hurt youve caused me i still want to thank you, thank you for making me a better person, for teaching me to love unconditionally, for making me the wife material i am today...and most of all for showing me how much i can love someone even when im not getting it return. You made me a better person, you shown me true amazing once in a life time love and youve given me some of the best memories and moments of my life. I will always love you, but i cant make you love me back. You are not a bad person,you are actually a pretty incredible person with so much to offer. however you need to learn to be happy and to cope with the past.
I hope someday you can see what you lost when you pushed me away.
sincerely
the girl who gave you everything she had
