Dear Birds,
While I am pleased that you have decided the air conditioner in my bedroom is the perfect place for you to reside, I feel obligated to voice a few concerns on behalf of the other inhabitants of our apartment. Please do not take this letter as a sign of ill will; I’m sure that if we can resolve these matters, peaceful cohabitation will be possible for many years to come.
Your habit of heralding each new day in song, while pleasant enough on weekdays, unfortunately becomes problematic on Saturdays and Sundays. We enjoy making the most of our weekends, but we don’t necessarily feel we need to be roused at 5:30 a.m. to do so. In addition, your melodic chirping arouses the curiosity of our cats. You may have noticed the sustained scratching noises coming, from time to time, from our side of the air conditioner. In the future, we would greatly appreciate your taking your songs elsewhere during these periods. The insulation around the air conditioner is beginning to deteriorate, and we are running out of duct tape.
Our cats have also noted your extended family’s frequent visits. Could you please restrict their flights directly outside our windows? Our cats have expressed a strong desire to join them in their cavorting, and I imagine that the cats, should they succeed in breaking through the window screen, would be surprised to learn that we live on the seventh floor. Also, your family’s habit of garnishing our windows with excrement, while gracious, is beginning to lose its charm.
Speaking of family, let me be the first to congratulate you on your new arrivals! One small qualm: Though I have no doubt you are attentive and loving parents, I must ask that you feed your young with more frequency, as their cries for nourishment lack the variety and rich timbre of your own vocalizations.
My final concern has to do with the onset of summer. Since your fierce (though commendable) territoriality has precluded a thorough appraisal of your home, we are hesitant to turn on the air conditioner, fearing possible property damage and/or loss of life. The weather so far has been mild, but it is only a matter of time before high temperatures place us in a rather awkward position. I understand that birds generally head south during winter; however, in light of our circumstances, it would be optimal for you to take your vacation this summer instead. I’m afraid there is very little room for negotiation on this point. Our apartment gets unspeakably hot, and our concern for your well-being will evaporate as the mercury rises. Rest assured, you will be welcomed with open arms when you return (ideally in October).
Sincerely,
Vladimir Maicovski
