An open letter asking him for my heart back

Mr 4, You came for the interview and you got the job. I remember thinking you looked fun... someone I could take under my wing and teach the shortcuts to! Slowly ws started talking and I realised you were funny, charismatic, brilliant at your job and very much married. Over time we spent more time together and the evenings were spent chatting in corridors and laughing about day. It was only four months into worksheet that you started getting closer to me. Whispering into my ear when you spoke to me, looking deep into my eyes when you listened. A few more months past and you began to feel attracted to me in a way you made very clear. It was my hips that mesmerised you to begin with. You would watch me walk away from you, I could feel your eyes following me, your face light up every time you saw me. You would talk to me in a way you couldn't talk to anyone else. You let me in to the secrets of your failing marriage. You were sad. Depressed. One thing lead to another and you made your move. I resisted the first time but the second and third I was weak. Your piercing blue eyes and your toned bottom along with that six pack and those muscly guns! I gave in. We'd meet up in the evenings and enjoy each other's bodies in the dark of night and under the cover of the woods. We never slept together but apart from that, left nothing else out. It was a year after you started here that you first told me you'd fallen in love with me. I was shocked, scared. I didn't know what to do. I pushed you away, told you this couldn't happen. I wasn't aware of my feelings yet. Some weeks past and you broke the news that you were parting from your wife. It wasn't working. You moved out. I helped you settle in. October 27th we slept together in your new flat, on your new bed. Me and you. You didn't know but I was a Virgin. Not anymore. You were gentle and made me feel safe and good about myself. I'd never been confident about the way I looked before. The next day you asked me to be your girlfriend. I was scared but so excited, I'd met the man I would spend all of my life with. Something I forgot to mention - my situation. I was from a strict sikh family. Sikh you were certainly not! My family would never agree to this bit lost in deep lust for you I proceeded down a path I knew I should have avoided... we spent a year together... meeting in secret, not allowing anyone at work to know and hiding it from my family. I fell deeply and honestly in love with you. The man I would walk the hands of the earth for. The man I wanted to gather my children. All the time I encouraged you to keep contact with your wife. Help her when the electric breaks down, or when she needed to talk. I knew you had a bond and I wasn't going to separate that. I thought I was being kind. The day came. I'd gone away. Suddenly you broke off contact. No birthday message. No how are you, no telling me about your days. You ended it abruptly and told me you had to go back to her. She needed you and you had to bethere. You felt responsible you said. I was distraught. I flew back and tried to talk sense into you... you didn't love her, you didn't fancy her, you had drifted apart. So why? But you said u felt guilty and this had to happen. I was torn to shreds. Literally torn to shreds. But I had to paint on my smile and get through each day. Because this whole relationship had been a secret. And so the fallout would have to be too. Fast forward a few months and you gave up. Agreed that the two of you were incompatible and it wouldn't work. Meanwhile all this time I continued to talking to you at work even tho my heart was breaking every time I saw you. Just to keep up pretences and not allow anyone to know what had happened. I used to hear from friends all the time about you and her. And it used to kill me inside. Kill me. We continued sleeping together every now and then. We weren't able to pull ourselves away. Ironically October 27th came round again and we conceived a baby. A result of another accidental encounter Neither of us knew I was pregnant. I found out in December when the blood wouldn't stop and I ended up giving birth to a tiny alien like form. A part of me. A part of you. I didn't tell you... I don't want you hurting. A child was what you'd always wanted but knowing your wife couldn't have them broke you. Under the strain of yet another secret i told you in January. You didn't react. Told me it was all done and dusted and I made the right choice and you supported me. Haha. You thought I'd got rid of it. I corrected you and you held me. Tightly. But after that not a word was mentioned about our baby. Again for the sake of work and my sanity I stared talking to you and stuff. People had put two and two together by now at work and had concluded we'd had s relationship but it was over now. I heard a few weeks ago you're seeing someone else. Again I'm waking up feeling sick. Petrified of going to work as I'll have to see you. Angry that she's someone I know of. Disappointed you didn't come back to me. Hurt.you don't care about my baby. Sad for my loss. And heartbroken because I love you more than you will ever know. And to you this was all a game. A messy, torturous, one sided game. And I can't seem to let that go. Nor can I let you go. You've already told your new girl that you love her. And the rumours are you're leaving the country country to be with her soon. Funny thing is the only thing worse than seeing you everyday is not seeing you everyday I've been told it gets easier but everyday my pain starts again as I have to see you. I can't talk to my family and say I need to leave. U won't go either. I told you not to! I don't want to dictate your life to you. I watch you walk through the workplace and my eyes follow you everywhere. My heart pumps fast when I don't see you... someone mentions your name and my world stands till. When you got a disciplinary earlier this year my sleep was stolen and my only worry was you. You're ten years older, very different in everyway and on paper we just don't work but still I've found myself believing that you really were my first and my last. I just know everything is falling apart and the only man in the world who can fix me is you. Just You. And nobody else. I love you but I need you to let me let you go. I just don't know how to let you go. And so I beg of you please return my heart, battered, scarred and broken as it may be... please just hand it back because i need to fix this. Your swinka.