Loving an addict is by far the most challenging task I have ever had to face. You watch the life of someone you love fade away. You watch their personality, aspirations, and health deteriorate. Loving an addict is a different kind of love because addiction is a disease by choice. Much like loving someone with a terminal illness, you are cherishing the memories made in his healthy years, searching for unknown answers, and preparing yourself for the worst case scenario. Unlike loving someone with a terminal illness, the fate of your loved one is not in the hands of a nasty tumor on his brain or a virus infecting his cells, it is in his own hands. His fate lies within the substance in his hands. Death hasn't chosen him, he has chosen his own devil to dance with.
A dear friend of mine, Alvin Varner, once told me that loving an addict is a "waiting game." This two word phrase tossed around my mind for the next two weeks. I was interpreting, analyzing, and applying it to my own life. Do you know what I concluded? Loving an addict is absolutely a waiting game. That’s all it is... Waiting... Waiting for that phone call that is going to change the rest of your life forever. That phone call that comes when your loved one has taken his addiction just a little too far. Waiting for that knock on your door in the middle of the night. That knock that comes when there has been an accident, or your loved one has been taken into custody. Waiting for that day to come when your loved one decides to change his own life forever. That day when your loved one finally chooses to get clean. And that's all it is, one big waiting game.
Much like blackjack, this game is not in your control. That's the most difficult realization to overcome. You can try to predict your odds of success, but ultimately you never know which card is coming next. Your fate is in the hands of the dealer. This waiting game is an emotional roller coaster. So buckle your seatbelt and embrace yourself; it is a bumpy road full of highs and lows as you endure the stages of psychological grief.
Stage One: Denial and isolation:
You refuse to admit it, but your loved one is showing the signs of addiction: weight loss/gain, changes in temperament, bloodshot eyes or unusual pupils, increased irritability or shifts in personality, lack of hygiene and personal grooming habits, cancelling or not showing up for plans... You notice these changes in your loved one's character, yet you blame it on his levels of stress at home, work, or school. You say it is just a phase, and he will grow out of it. Or maybe if you just ignore it, it will go away. You convince yourself that it does not exist. But addiction isn't something you can just grow out of, and it isn't something you can just ignore. It becomes who you are. Every move he makes and every thought he has revolves around his next opportunity to get high. Although you refuse to admit it, you're scared. You're scared that this thought may be a reality. It's not something you want to deal with, it's not something anyone wants to deal with. So you isolate yourself. You refuse to admit it to yourself and you refuse to hear it from anyone else. Because once you admit it, his addiction is real. So instead, you deny it and avoid anyone who will talk about it. You dismiss it from your mind, praying that it will just go away.
Stage Two: Anger:
This is the type of anger that you cannot express in words. You're angry at everything and everyone. You lash out at anyone who rubs you the wrong way or mentions your loved one's name. But mostly, you're angry at yourself, your loved one, and your higher power.
You question your own actions, could I have prevented this? Should I have been more aware? Was this my fault? Memories that you never would have thought about before-past fights, arguments, or disappointments-come back, and you question, if I handled that situation differently, would he still be an addict? No matter how many situations and opportunities you ponder, the present remains, your loved one is an addict.
You're angry with your loved one. What was he thinking? How could he do this? To me? To our family? To himself? Where did he get it from? Who got him into this? No matter how many questions you may ask yourself, the present remains, your loved one is an addict.
You're angry with your higher power. Whether it's a god or the universe that you believe in, you're angry with them. If you loved me, why would you do this to me? How could you let this happen? What did I do to deserve this? Don't my acts of kindness mean anything? Question it all you want, but the present remains, your loved one is an addict. No higher power could have stopped this; addiction is a choice. Your loved one made this choice.
Stage Three: Bargaining:
At this point you are beginning to overcome denial and you have admitted that your loved one is an addict. So you begin bargaining with anyone who has anything to offer you.
You bargain with your loved one. If you get clean, you can go back to work. If you get clean, you can see your children. If you get clean, you can go back to school. If you get clean, you can move back home. If only you would get clean... Yet, no matter what you may offer the addict, the decision to get clean has to be his own. It was his choice to start his addiction, and it is his choice to put a stop to his addiction. It is a choice that he must make for himself. Your loved one has to have a need to change that is far greater than his need to use.
Personally, I bargained with my higher power. I would lay in bed praying to God. I would cry and plea that if God loved me, he would not put me through this kind of pain... If I get straight A's, will you bring my loved one home? If I spread the word of your love, will you help my loved one get clean? If I donate more? If I pray more? If I go to church more? Will you get my loved one clean? But as much as I wish God has an on and off switch for addiction, he doesn't. An addict will always have his addiction. So instead of bargaining with the gods, pray for yourself. Pray for the strength to support your loved one, pray for the power to stand tall when your world is crashing at your feet, pray for the forgiveness of your loved one's sins, and pray for the strength to forgive your loved one.
Stage Four: Depression:
You have overcome your denial, you have lashed out your anger, and you have bargained everything you could, but your loved one is still an addict. Your hope is fading, your heart is heavy, and your depression is seeping through the roots of your existence.
My depression hit me the hardest when I lost my faith in a higher power. I could not wrap my mind around the kind of God that would put me through such pain. The pain that you could literally feel in your aching heart, and the kind of grief that affects your entire existence.
You believe that NO ONE understands what you are going through. Anyone who tries to give you a word of advice, simply just does not understand. You become the victim; the poor me's come out. How could he do this to ME? Why would he do this to ME? What am I supposed to do? No one understands MY pain.
You no longer know what to do. Do you push your loved one to get help? Do you cut him off and let him fend for himself? As you question the options, the darkest scenarios are constantly running through your mind. When will enough be enough? You're emotionally and physically exhausted. You're sad, angry, hurt, confused, and you're lost. You no longer know what to expect. You no longer know what to do. And the hardest part is, you no longer know who your loved one is. You're days are dark and your heart is heavy. You're losing hope.
Stage Five: Acceptance:
Much like the rock bottom that an addict hits, you too will reach rock bottom. It is from this low point in your life, that you will find acceptance. You will find the strength to pull yourself out of depression and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel.
This light will come to you once you realize that your loved one’s addiction is not in your control. There is nothing you can say or do that will stop an addict from using. There is nothing you can give or take away that will put an end to his addiction. The only way an addict will overcome his addiction, is when he chooses to make that decision for himself. It is not a matter of whether or not the addict loves you, but it is whether or not the addict is capable of loving himself again. It is whether or not the addict is capable of accepting his decisions and the path he has chosen for himself. It is whether or not the addict is capable of looking himself in the mirror and accepting the pain he has inflicted on others.
Acceptance is when you realize that no matter how many times you go over the past in your mind, you cannot change the present. There is nothing you could have done to prevent this. There is nothing you could change to stop this. There is nothing you can do to control your loved one’s choices. You have to learn to accept your loved one for who they are. Whether he is using or he is clean, this is who he is. He will always suffer from his addiction, he will always have a longing for his demon, but do you have the strength to love and accept him regardless of his flaws?
I found peace when I decided to accept God back into my life. It was in my darkest moment, when I felt as though I had no one else to turn too, that I realized one person had never left my side. God had been there for me the entire time, but I was blinded by my own resentment. With pain in my heart and tears flowing from my eyes, I prayed. It was in this moment that I realized the pain I was feeling was not God’s doing. God would never intentionally inflict pain on me, but God did give us the power of freewill. With this power, we are in control of our own life and our own decisions. I cannot control my loved one’s choices, just as he cannot control my own. But just as my loved one was given the gift of freewill, so was I. With this power, I decided to no longer allow my loved one’s choices affect my life. He may not be able to rise above his addiction, but I can. He may not be able to stop his addiction, but I can stop allowing it to affect my life. With this sense of understanding, a new light of hope came . This hope was not for my loved one, it had nothing to do with my loved one. This hope was for me. It was hope that I could make a different life for myself regardless of the path my addict has chosen. It was hope that I could live a life where my dreams are no longer for my addict, but for myself. It was hope that I could find happiness and peace in my heart. You too can choose to be happy by letting go of your loved one’s addiction and accepting the fact that is not in your control. It was never in your control.
Lastly, remember that you are NOT alone. Your loved one is not the first person to fall as a victim in the grasp of addiction, and he certainly won't be the last. So seek help when needed. Talk about it, write about it, express it! It is natural to feel pain, and it is natural to feel alone. But until you learn how to let go, you too have fallen as a victim to addiction.
