Dear adult film directors,
Stop sending us your pornos.
Yes, we are looking for a new director for the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise after the departure of Sam Taylor-Johnson, but sending us copies of hardcore pornos you have directed is not going to get you the job. We understand that many people call Fifty Shades "mommy porn" but you're not getting the job just by sending us a copy of your movie, Mommy Porn.
Ever since the news broke, our mail has been overflowing with unwanted porno DVDs. This morning alone I had three with pun titles involving the word "butt": The Incredible Butt Wondershlong, American Butt Sniper and Do The Right Butt: A Spyke Lee joint.
Granted, American Butt Sniper had some great performances but this is no way to get a job directing a major Hollywood motion picture and it has to stop! You are not going to be the next Barry Sonnenfeld. You are not going to make the jump from making hardcore pornos to making Hollywood movies like he actually did – that's actually true. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Fifty Shades is one of our biggest properties so we're looking for a director who has the sensibility to portray the complicated relationship between our two main characters while also creating intense erotic scenes that send our audience to boner town. None of the films we received demonstrated the ability to do this, not even the parody of one of the greatest love stories of our time: Buttfest At Tiffany's.
Please stop.
Sincerely,
Executives from Universal Studios.
P.S. We would actually like to talk to the director of The Boner Identity about directing the reboot of a franchise we own. We'll be in touch.
