Open Letter to the world - My story and why I believe Kangana but not Hrithik
Ever since Kangana and Hrithik spat was first reported in news, I have been living a nervous life. Incidents reported in the news had coincidence with my life. It took a lot of encouragement from my husband to write about it now. Here is my story, some personally identifiable information is withheld, so that I can continue my life peacefully.
I was born in a small town, to well-educated liberal parents. I was very much interested in arts, but did Engineering in Computer Science for a career and moved to a metro city to work with an IT company in 2006, at the age of 22. There I met this guy, who worked in the same company, but in a different team. We spoke the same language, belonged to the same community - which was evident in our Last Names and used to commute in the same cab so we started off as hi-bye friends. He came to the city 6 months earlier, so he knew places better than me. He offered to take me along with him to the temple one Saturday and that repeated every weekend. So we used to meet and roam around every weekend and I got to know a little more about him. However soon his work timings changed, so we met only during weekends. 3 months later we were “thick weekend friends” and 3 more months later we both had feelings for each other but never expressed it. Two months later one day, he told me that he loves me and would like to marry me someday. He said he was scared to bring this topic up because he did not want to spoil the beautiful relationship we shared. He asked me if I had feelings for him beyond friendship. I immediately said yes. I told him that I was happy and relieved that he brought up the topic. So before completing one year from our first meeting, we both were madly in love.
We both agreed on certain conditions. We both did not want anyone in our office to know about our relationship, as there were work implications. His department reviewed worked done by department. We both were aiming for a promotion and salary hike and there was enough company politics to manage with. We both agreed to discuss with family only at an appropriate later time. Since I was staying with a cousin sister and her family, I had from the very beginning asked him not to call on my mobile or sms me after office hours unless it was an emergency, so that would continue.
We used to communicate a lot through emails. Gmail was newly introduced that time. Everyday morning, I used to come prepared in my mind on what to email him that day and would email him from the assigned computer for personal use in the office. He would check that sometime during the day and reply back. My emails used to be longer. Content used to vary, usually about how much I love him or a love poem that I wrote, daily chores, how much I miss him, or about my vision on our life together etc… His emails would usually be crisp and to the point. We met personally during weekends would roam around the city and enjoy. I told my cousin that I have enrolled for part time MBA, and left home on Saturdays and Sundays pretending to be attending classes. It was a beautiful phase of life. Being in love is beautiful. This went on for a year. But it was a secret relationship, about which no one else knew.
After a year he decided to quit his job and joined another firm closer to his hometown for a better paid role. He discussed with me before taking the decision. He wanted to build a house before our marriage. It was a difficult phase of our relationship as the long distance and not being able to meet did affect both of us. We couldn’t speak after office hours or during weekends because we both had family members around. We would occasionally call while at office for short duration. We continued to write emails. My life started to feel empty, so in order to occupy myself I enrolled for Part time MBA and started attending classes for real. This kept me occupied and busy. But he started doubting me for no reason and once we fought with each other. We did patch up after a few days and I gave him the password to my email so that he can check my emails and see if I am in a relationship with anyone else. Our relationship was steady but affected by the distance, nevertheless we both were committed to each other and believed that everything will fall in place when we were geographically together again. On the positive side he started the work for ‘our’ new house during the 2 years when we were apart and the construction work was nearing completion.
I had tremendous pressure from home to get married and settle in life. Two years after he moved to his hometown, one day my father sternly asked me why I need more time to settle down, and why I am not showing any interest in the proposals he is bringing for me. So I told him about the relationship. My parents, being liberal, did not make a big issue. My father said he would like to meet the guy and he would openly give a feedback about my selection, whether I accept it or not. I agreed but told my father to wait till he finishes his house and is ready for marriage.
However, without my knowledge my father went to meet him at his office one Friday. After the initial ice breaking my father asked in a straight forwarded manner if he was serious and interested to marry me. He said yes, but he was keen to wind up the discussion quickly. He requested my father to come over to his house the next day so that he can formally initiate the discussion. So my father stayed in the town that night and went to his rented house to meet and discuss with his parents the next day morning. As the discussion progressed, his family asked what my father would pay for dowry.
Though we were in a relationship for over 3 years, we never discussed the D word. I never thought it was important. He didn’t seem to be someone who was concerned about it either. My parents were against paying dowry for their daughter or getting dowry for their son. There is a backstory in the extended family where dowry led to tragedy, so my parents were vehemently against dowry. They ensured that I got the best education, they encouraged me to be financially independent and they wanted to equally split their property between me and my brother at an appropriate time in future. They did not want to give dowry or cover me up with gold for marriage.
My father was shocked when he heard the D word. He was concerned about my selection, nevertheless he expressed his views on dowry and his intention to give property instead. His parents indicated that they are expecting a certain amount as dowry on or before marriage and they said they are fine even if property was not given. My guy was sitting right there and did not say anything as though not to intervene when elders talk on important matters. My father did not show his disappointment. He said, it wouldn’t be a problem and he will make arrangements. And he came back home.
I came to know about all this discussion about my inheritance only the next day after my father was back home and he called me to inform the developments of last 2 days. He told me he is fine with selling the property right away if that was what I want. So I told my father not to make any decision yet and said I will speak to him and confirm. I was feeling very uneasy. Things were moving very fast and the discussion the D word was making me upset. I had to wait for one more day so that I can call him while he was at office.
Next day he we spoke, and all my worries were alleviated. He asked me not to worry about dowry and suggested me to do as I wish. He said he would be resigning from the job that week to focus on the final stages of the house and in 3 months he hoped to move into the new house. He would simultaneously search for another job also. So we can discuss dates for marriage only after 5-6 months. He said he would be extremely busy and won’t be around to pick my calls, or reply to my emails. So he asked me not to call him unless it is an emergency. He asked me to keep mailing him, he promised to send me photos when the house was ready and ended the call saying “love you”.
I updated my parents about the development. They were relieved that they have 6 months to sell the property and arrange the dowry if needed. So life went on as usual.
The next 4 months I used to email him daily. To me, the love for him only intensified. My emails to my fiancée now were very romantic and sometimes I explicitly wrote about what we would have done if we were together that moment. I never felt any inhibition because we were going to get married soon. As expected there was no reply from him. Whenever my parents enquired about him, I told them to wait, let him finish his works and call. But by the fourth month I couldn’t wait any longer without his response. I tried calling him and his number was not reachable. For 2 weeks, I literally begged to him to reply back to me. I frantically tried reaching him but maintained calm to everyone else. His mobile number was not reachable. He changed office. He left the rented house so the landline number seemed to be disconnected. I did not know contact details of anyone else. I had no idea how to reach him. I had no idea if he was ok. What if he was not ok? I was extremely worried about his wellbeing. I had a panic attack one day at my office, my parents came and took me home the next day and I was admitted in a hospital in the psychiatry ward soon.
My father was also worried about what happened to him. So he started a search on his own to trace the guy, hoping that seeing him I would be ok. And with so much difficulty my father traced him and called him on his new number. He was surprised to receive a call from my father. But my father was surprised when he heard what this guy had to say.
He said he was never in a relationship with me. And it was just in my mind. He said that we were not even friends and only had interacted in official capacity till he left to his home town. After which I was continually emailing him telling that I was missing him and loving him. He said he was irritated about my emails however he did not know what to do. So he let it go. He did not know how I would react if he told me not to email. He said that even though he used to receive daily emails from me, he never replied to my emails He said he was shocked when my father visited his office and he didn’t want to hurt or disappoint which is why he requested him (my father) to come home and initiate the marriage discussions. However, his family felt that a girl who pursues a guy to this extend is not normal. He said that, he had informed me that he is not interested in the marriage the very next day after my father went to his house, however even after that I did not stop emailing him and the emails were very vulgar. He said that he is going to get married soon and did not want anything untoward in his life. He said he was harassed so far and he adjusted with the harassment, however if any of us contacted him again he will ensure my life is spoiled with all the vulgar emails that he has with him.
My father was shocked and perplexed. He did not know what to reply. It did not make sense to him. He did not discuss what he heard with me because I was still under treatment. In order to confirm what he heard, he collected the password of my email id and checked my email… ALAS all what the guy claimed was true. According to my emails, my first email to him was after he left the metro city enquiring him about how his journey was and how much I already miss him. And there were no emails from him at all. Not even a single one! And some emails were explicit. He discussed this with the doctors about what he found out and they concluded that I had more severe issues than they originally diagnosed.
After a month, only during the counselling session and during the discussions with my family, I understood that they all believed that the relationship was only in my mind. I was confident that I can prove to them with the emails I have from him. So I was also shocked when I logged in to my email id and to find out that he had deleted all his emails to me. He even deleted all the emails I sent him when we were together in the city together. It was foolish to give my password. I had nothing to prove our relationship. No photos. Selfie was not introduced yet. No common friends who knew about the relationship. No two-way correspondence. Only one way.
Luckily, I used to keep a diary in which I used to write day to day stuff. I used the diary to prove my point. There was an occasion when we both were together in a mall and met my friend, which I had noted in my diary worrying if she would inform my parents. She confirmed that she saw me with a guy, but she didn’t know if we were in a relationship. There were mini cards in which he wrote love you and signed which I had stuck onto my diary. Once I went along with him to a clinic when he had fever. The prescription received in his name had the doctors contact number. So I had stuffed it in my diary –in case if follow up was required. All this proved that we were more than just colleagues. In short, I had to prove to my own parents that the relationship was for real and not in my mind.
As soon as I realized that he logged into my account, I Immediately changed the password of my email. Later I deleted that account because I was scared of this guy. Also I wanted to erase that chapter of my life in my mind. But he still has the treasure trove of my emails. My only consolation is that my husband knows about all this. He encouraged me to write about it.
Based on my life, I believe Kangana and not Hrithik. Also to all girls in love – never share your password and always keep a diary.