Open Letter to “Her”

Subject: Open Letter to “Her”
Date: 16 Nov 2019

I don’t really know where to start this off. There are so many thoughts in my head and so many things I want to say, it’s impossible for me to find a starting point, which is I guess why I am here. So I’ll start off with the biggest yet simplest thing I can. I am still in love with you. I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, I’ve tried to get over it, but I can’t. When you’ve had something as good as I had, you can’t just get over it. My mind constantly goes to you. And the fact that when we broke up it wasn’t due to anything either of us did, or a lack of feeling, but simply due to the circumstances just cuts deeper. This isn’t me trying to “win you back”, or make you feel bad for what happened. This is simply me needing to say how I feel. Needing to let you know. I know why we broke up. I respect it. But it doesn’t mean I don’t hurt every day from it. And yes, we may still talk. And yes, we may still care for each other and be there for each other, but it’s not the same. I miss the excitement of getting off work knowing I would get to talk to you. I miss waking up every morning to thoughts of you that brought me pure joy instead of anguish. I miss the involuntary smile that came to my face any time I saw you or heard your voice. And more than anything, I miss being able to be alone. That sounds weird, I know. But when I was with you, alone never felt truly alone. Now it does, and I can’t stand it. I go crazy any time I’m by myself (which makes trying to sleep a much more painful endeavor). I miss knowing that there was someone always on my side. Someone who supported me. Someone who loved me. Because I didn’t know what being truly loved felt like until I was with you. And couldn’t understand what truly alone felt like until I was without you. And I know this has been rough on you too. I’ve been there for some of it. I wish I could have been there for all of it. And I know it was a difficult choice you made. And I’m not asking you to unmake it. But I do hope, if ever a time comes where our situation can change, even if to make it slightly better than it was, that it might be enough. Instead of seeing each other only once a month, maybe seeing each other every weekend, or at least most weekends. Calling more. FaceTiming more. Whatever it is that could make us work, I hope to God it comes one day. And that you might still want to give us a shot when it does. I would do anything to be with you right now. Even if it meant putting some of my other priorities on hold until our obligations don’t keep us so far apart. Because above anything else in this world, you are a priority. And until then, I will love you. I will be there for you when you need me. And be silent when you need me to be silent. I will hurt in silence so that you may be happy at full volume. Because you are a priority even over me. And if the time never comes where we can be us again, then I will have to be content that I have and will never waver in treating you like the amazing person you are, and that I have only ever wanted you to be happy.