An open birthday message to the guy whom I will always hate to love. . .

It’s been 4 months since you told me you love me to infinity, and that you will never leave me. It’s been also 4 months since you bid good bye. How ironic, isn’t it? The pain struck me all of a sudden. You left me behind hanging, feeling like having no reason to go on. How can I fight for someone whom I love with my all, if he had already given up? Yes, it was really hard for me to lose you. But, it’s even harder to stay by your side, knowing that you don’t want me to be there anymore. I’ve been always the girl who puts your happiness first; I’ve been always the girl who never let your stomach empty, well because I know you might turn into a monster real quick. In a blink of an eye, everything has changed. You used to crave for my presence, and I used to overcome your thirst of my love. You were in tears asking me to stay, so I did. We used to be happy, living the life we thought we really wanted. Just so you know baby, I kept holding on. How I wish you were able to see my heart inside, that was bursting in tears, and suffering from the poison of ache brought by your broken promises, judgments, and lies. My hands were in full force just to hold our knot so tight. My bad I did not notice you were already in pain holding it. “What if I insisted myself to stay? Would it make me any better?” These still boggle my mind before. But now, I guess you were right when you said that our dreams will just remain dreams. I don’t know, but maybe it’s His will to remove you in my life. Maybe God knows that I am strong enough to fight for what we have, that I am not capable of leaving everything behind. And so He gave you the courage to do it for me, for us. I asked myself, “Of all the million chances I gave, is this what I really deserve?” Then my Sorrow face flashed in my head, your hidden tears popped in my mind… Damn! I just realized I was so blind, so blind that I did not see us two on the verge of doom. I was trying to save us and cross different direction from that path – because I know it’s the path I’d never wanted to take, probably because it’s where my genuine happiness will end. I was forcing you to help me cross the other road, but then as I turn back, my heart seemed like being forcefully squeezed into pieces seeing you weak, helpless, and standing still – allowing me to go with no one but myself. You know what? I love you more than anything I could ever imagine. Yet I find it ironic how I fucking hate this wonderful feeling of loving you. Worse, I began to hate myself for committing the same mistake all over again. I hate how I go to places that remind me of you. I hate how my friends say your name, how my heart beats for you every second. I hate waking up each day, knowing that I’m no longer part of you. I hate how I terribly miss you, and wishing I could turn back time where all we feel were warm fuzzies and butterflies. It’s wonderful, but it’s deadly. I hate it so much that I want to restart everything. Maybe it’s about time to stop the hate, forgive you, forgive myself, rekindle the candle of my life, and create new beginnings. It’s about time to focus on myself and for my own betterment as well. I wanna get myself back, the one I lost when I began to love you. It’s full of bumps and humps, but I know it’ll be worth it. On this special day of yours, I would like to thank you. Thank you for being my favorite mistake and my best lesson in life. Maybe someday, we’ll finally know the reason why our love story failed. And we can finally say, “thank God it didn’t work out with anybody else.” Cheers to the better people we will become!