You'll almost certainly never read this, but I need to write it anyway. For myself. For my own mental well-being.
The first time I saw you, a few days after I had started the job, it was like those cheesy movies I never took seriously. Everything around you faded for a moment and I could have sworn you were glowing. My world was rocked. I already had an amazing boyfriend, and for 3 years up until that point, no guy had made me question the relationship even a little bit. I really couldn't complain, it was nearly a textbook-perfect relationship. And then, I saw you.
My next thought was, "He's probably an ass anyway." And so, I avoided you accordingly.
I kept that thought at the forefront of my mind for as long as I could, despite moments of weakness some nights where I'd look up your last name like a weirdo and almost imagine what my own name would sound like combined with yours, feeling guilt all the while.
Whenever I'd hear you give someone a sarcastic quip, or see your young, obnoxious girlfriend make a fool of herself yet again, I'd feel a twinge of satisfaction. I had seen you were an ass from the start and avoided you, no matter if I had a secret attraction to you for some unfathomable reason. I'd been hurt by people before and had no desire to hurt my own boyfriend. I made sure to barely talk to you and barely acknowledge when you'd try to compliment me in that confident, cocky way of yours.
But then, a few months after I'd started the job, you actually started trying. You'd ask me about myself, my life, my interests, and I'd be continually surprised that you actually seemed interested. You'd press me if I gave you short answers, and it wasn't long until we started having long conversations on the job about both our pasts. I did try to keep my distance. I convinced myself that maybe you were friendly and intelligent after all, but you had a girlfriend, even if she wasn't right for you, and I had a boyfriend. I respected that. But somehow, you still weasled yourself into my heart, even if it took you nearly six months to do it.
You started complimenting me again, like you tried at the beginning, but this time you'd blush, smile in that adorable shy way, and avoid my eyes for a few seconds. You'd always be there the second I needed help with something, and I'd overhear you asking other coworkers if they knew anything about my interests. I got scared and started trying to distance myself from you. You had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend after all.
Without trying to, I started overhearing coworkers who were friends with your girlfriend whisper about how the relationship was getting rocky and that you both were fighting all the time. I'd feel a twinge of excitement everytime and then immediately a rush of guilt. I kept my distance like an honorable person.
A few weeks after the whispering had started, I heard someone say you'd broken up with her. I nearly fell to my knees and started crying then, but I maintained composure. I was still in a relationship. But it didn't matter. You started pursuing me with a vengeance, doing everything but outright telling me you wanted me. You'd tease me, you'd talk to me about life, you'd compliment me, we'd talk about obscure movies we'd both seen, you'd give me that look with the soft eyes.
I finally gave you my number, after nearly six months of torture. I was convinced you were different. Nobody went through that much just for sex, no matter who they were.
That night, after nearly 6 hours of constant texting about anything and everything, you told me I was your dream girl.
By the next night, my boyfriend and I had broken up, as we'd been getting rocky too, thanks to my confused feelings. You were a gentleman and told me I could come over and that you'd sleep on the couch and not try anything. We talked all night long until the sun came up, and I made the first move. We finally slept together and I couldn't have been happier. I was terrified of waking up the next morning, afraid the dream would be shattered, but when I woke up, you were still right beside me, smiling at me.
You told me I could stay as long as I needed to. That next day was a fairy tale too, until we had to go to work. You held me and calmed me when I inevitably cried, you shared some of your favorite movies, and we talked and fooled around some more. When work was over and I came back to your place, we were sitting together, watching your favorite TV show, and you told me in the softest voice you thought you loved me. I can't think of a more beautiful memory than that moment.
I should have said it back and I wanted to, but my past traumas and fears surfaced, and I teased you to not say anything you didn't mean instead. You laughed, but the next day, after I said I had found a friend to stay with so I could get out of your hair, you started becoming distant. You barely texted me and barely said anything to me at work after I left your place.
My insecurities bubbled up on overdrive, and when I saw you talking and laughing with your ex girlfriend a week later, I let my jealousy take over, even though you weren't and had technically never been mine. We ended on a bad note. I quit the job, and within a week had sent an email to you apologizing for my actions. You never responded, which is probably for the best.
A couple weeks later, I got back with my ex-boyfriend, who I realized had never hurt me and never would, and had always done everything he could to make me happy. He asked for me back, and I apologized to him profusely, as I had never intended to hurt him, and somehow, we fixed the relationship and are now engaged. He knows about everything that happened, and yet still finds it in his heart to love me.
I will never know if you actually felt for me what I felt for you, or if you really just wanted to sleep with me and create a fun little fantasy for a little bit until you got bored. I do know that even after everything though, even after all the pain, even if you didn't feel what I felt, I loved you, and you will always have a piece of my heart. You also taught me that even if super cheesy, romantic love like the movies can happen, mature love is likely to be more stable, happy, and fulfilling.
Goodbye, dear one. I truly wish you only happiness.
