To The One I Pushed Away

Subject: To The One I Pushed Away
From: I Miss You
Date: 11 Jan 2016

With you, I had it all. My life was one big never-ending fairytale. I looked forward to waking up every day because I knew I would have you by my side. My friends were all jealous because they wanted a love like ours. We were so incredibly happy. Together we could conquer the world.

We spent three amazing years together, and I can easily say the hardest thing I ever had to do was to leave you, with no reason or explanation, I just had to go. I loved you more than anything in the world, and I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought I'd see the day that you and I would have to be apart.

After my little brother died, I completely shut down. I kept so many things to myself. So many feelings that I know if I had just told you, you would have understood and been right there to help, love, and support me, but I couldn't. That was always my issue, I couldn't express myself the way I should have been able to. I needed space, and time to grieve. You couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. And I was constantly taking my pain and anger out on you, which wasn't fair. I couldn't keep hurting the one person I loved the most because I was hurting, so I had to go.

It's been five months since he died, and three months since I had to leave. I still have your pictures all over my room. I still sleep in the shirts you left at my house. I still go to bed every single night crying and I wake up every day thinking about you, wishing you were there to comfort me.

Whenever I'm upset you're who I want to call. When something good happens, you're the first thing I think of. When I have a bad day, I wish I was coming home to you, like I used to. You always knew exactly what to say or do to make me feel better.

It's clear to me that I'm not strong enough to move on. It kills me every day to know I didn't do everything I could to keep you around when I obviously needed you most.

I love you more than you'll ever know. I hope one day you'll be able to understand why I had to leave. Until then, I'll leave you with this, a quote I will live by for the rest of my life, because of you. "You don't really know what you have until it's gone."