I am sorry. I am sorry that you do not understand what it is like to only confide in yourself. There is a constant battle, tearing me apart on the inside. The emotions I feel cannot be expressed to others simply because I have never learned to trust. Believe me when I say that I tried to trust, and over time my trust for you grew. But, the question always came back to haunt me: What happens after I tell you something that I have never told anyone else?
Finally, that one person came along whom I’ve never felt happier with. That one person came who could pick me up when I was down. You were always there for me. Over time, as hard as it was, I told you things. In the midst of telling you, I cried. I stopped to leave the room, hating for you to see me like that. But, you waiting for me to come back. You tried and tried to tell me that you wouldn’t hurt me. As hard as it was, I tried and tried to believe you. Over time, I began to, but it is no a simple thing to do.
Because I care, I would like you to know why it is so hard to let someone in. Although I will try and discover the deepest reasons why trust is hard, I don’t know that I will be able to put them into words. For every guy who has entered my life as more than a friend, it never ended well. They would get bored. They would leave, maybe even with no explanation why. They would be with me only to get over their ex. Others always tried to get involved. It made things messier. I got insecure, and I would shut them out. Although I tried not to shut you out, that may have made things worse. I did not give myself the space that I needed to deal with my emotions, and they came out as aimed towards you.
At one point, I tried dating someone. We were in a relationship less than a month. I broke up with him, but we kept talking for a year. During this time, we got closer than we ever did when we were dating. We had a mutual friend, who shall remain nameless. She talked to the both of us individually, always wanting to learn how the relationship, or friendship, was going. After an entire year of talking, she admitted something that would change the way I looked at him forever. He talked about me behind my back, and it wasn’t just to her. He knew things about me, and he shared them.
I stopped talking to him right before the summer. By the end of it, that same friend who had told me what he did texted me. She simply asked me if she could date him. Because I was no longer with him, I knew that I could not control his life. That isn’t fair. I gave my friend my permission to date my ex. They are still together. Over time, I realized that she was never really a true friend to me. She lied to me about things he said. She lied to him about things that I said. To this day, I still don’t know if he actually talked about me behind my back for so long. I shut them both out of my life, and I did not tell anyone else why. People thought I was crazy for hating them. They thought I was jealous. To be honest, I felt free after shutting them out. However, shutting them out didn’t change the fact that he never liked me, and I wasted a year before I figured that out.
What hurts the most is that I liked you more than anyone else I had ever been with. What hurts the most is that now that we are no longer together, I know that it was all my fault. I understand why it ended, and I wish that I could go back. We needed to give each other space. I should have given you more than I did. I found reasons not to trust you, but those reasons did not truly exist. I should have trusted you, but I cannot take back what I have already done. It hurts to know that you were the only person who was able to get my deepest emotions out, and because of this, you saw the worst sides of me.
Towards the end of us, I did want a relationship. I wanted to put myself in a position that did not end well the last time I tried. I wanted to trust you enough to be with you, and I was getting to that point. I did not tell you my change of feelings about being in a relationship because I was not fully at the stage where I could put my complete trust in you. I did not want to let you know that I was scared that you would leave me because you were the person thing I ever had in my life. You made me happier than anyone, but I was so used to not trusting anyone.
I understand that we are not together. I understand why you don’t want to be. It hurts to remind myself of what I did to you, and I will never be able to fully express how I feel about three simple words: I am sorry.
