Dear Wills,
Congrats on the birth of your second child. Now sit down and take a drag on some gas and air because life is about to get very hard.
Well, it would be if you didn’t have several nannies on hand… And a housekeeper… And a butler… And a cook or two… And a team of gardeners… And a driver… But still, despite your privileged position in one of the country’s oldest institutions, I’m guessing you’re the kind of modern man who takes a hands-on approach to fatherhood, which means you’ll be mucking in as much as possible.
In your line of work I can see this is going to present some challenges, which is why I wanted to offer a bit of friendly advice.
First of all prepare to feel tired, every waking minute of your life. There’s no slinking back to your four poster bed when the baby goes down for a morning nap this time around, because Prince George will be up and raring to play with his toy soldiers. And since Kate Middleton’s been feeding little Windsor all night this is not the moment to abdicate your parental responsibilities.
The relentless sleep deprivation you’ll experience turns even the simplest of tasks, such as getting dressed, into an endurance test. It’s a bit like having a constant mild hangover – Harry probably has a few tips on how to cope with that – but at least you’ll have an excuse to watch back-to-back episodes of Rastamouse as dawn breaks.
On a more positive note, having two children under two in the (Clarence) house does mean everybody will understand if you turn up to greet a visiting head of state in your pyjamas, with some dried Weetabix welded to your sleeve. When on diplomatic duty remember to carry a discrete bottle of hand wash at all times – you’ll want to disinfect your mitts after an emergency double nappy change before shaking hands with Obama.
Talking of nappies, toddlers – including those who are in line to inherit the throne – can’t resist rifling through a dirty one. While you’re wet wiping the new royal behind, George will happily take the opportunity to fling the contents of his sibling’s nappy across Queen Victoria’s favourite chaise longue, which, up until then, had been perfectly preserved.
So it’s a good idea to have a baby bouncer on hand to restrain your firstborn when necessary. Failing that there’s probably a medieval rack going spare at the Tower of London.
Naturally it’s hard to give your second child as much attention as you gave the first at the same age. But it’s vital you show number two they’re just as important as number one. Even if they aren’t going to become king. Where possible treat them equally: share palaces out fairly and make sure they both get the same amount of rides in great granny’s carriage.
Finally, take care of your marriage. It’s all too easy to be consumed by the work-parenting-banquet-work-parenting-banquet rigmarole of day-to-day life. Ask Charles and Camilla over to babysit and treat Kate to a meal out now and again.
All it takes is a table for two at Pizza Express to show somebody you’re still thinking about them. But go easy on the house white. You know what it’s like: you’re out together for the first time in ages, you get a bit tipsy, you start feeling frisky, you snog in the back of a taxi… And whoops! Kate’s up the duff again.
I’m sure we’ll bump into each other at a soft play soon, but if you have any questions before then just tweet @thewindler.
Good luck!
Chris
