At odds with myself

Subject: At odds with myself
From: Myself
Date: 20 Feb 2022

Do you know how defeating it is to have your own body work against you? I am so frustrated because I feel like I’m doing my best and I don’t even have body dysmorphia but it is still a struggle to eat, to stay at a healthy weight. I’ve lost 8lbs in 2 weeks because I guess I simply have been doing too much and not eating enough. And my body can’t keep up. Do you know what it’s like to be so low on energy your whole body feels shaky and all you want to do is sleep? Only when you finally get the chance to lay down your body won’t let you sleep so you feel even more low on that precious energy you want so bad. Or even at some points in time you can’t even stand up without your whole head spinning and spinning and it’s even worse when you close your eyes because they feel like they’re literally spinning themselves? How every time you stand up you just get so nauseous it’s either lie back down or throw up? Have you ever gotten to that point? There’s a constant pain in my stomach that won’t even go away when I do eat. It’s always there. It’s gotten to the point now where I always have a headache and my stomach is always yelling at me. I’ve been trying to catch up on my eating but it’s hard to force yourself to eat when you can’t eat any more or aren’t hungry. One meal a day.. it’s not enough. And the worst part is I know that. And I love food but for some reason it’s just so hard to eat. Either I don’t have the energy, I’m too lazy to cook something, or i simply just don’t want to. I like to blame it on how busy I am and that does play a huge role against me but it’s not the only thing. I do it to myself. I know I need to eat more and I don’t. I want to keep moving and keep doing me but my body says no. It’s defeating to know what will help you but to somehow always be at odds with it. I eat anything I want whenever I want but it’s still not enough.