My Wedding Day
Today, April 15 2017... I had a dream. I dreamed of my Wedding Day.
I'm writing this down, because after all the dreams and nightmares that I had, this one was the longest and most memorable dream I had ever had. Why? Because this was about a dream of a man named "Bobby". My Ex-boyfriend that I know I will never get over with...
Of all the dreams I had about this guy, this was the only dream of him that felt so real. It felt so real it was like I was living in another life where everything actually happened. I felt all the emotions and physically touches in that dream, even when I woke up. All of those feelings lingered throughout the day, repeating those images in my head, repeating all those words in my head as well.
To start... What was in that dream? To everyone else, this was just an ordinary dream.. but to me this was not. I always had theories that dreams where like a television to a different dimension, where you get to see yourself live out another life. A life different from reality, a life where everything goes, a life where your "desires" happen. Fair warning, the contents are explicit, so excuse the language.
Just like ordinary night, I went to bed after watching a fast marathon of the new Netflix series "13 Reasons Why". I went to bed having a debate in my head about the show, and fell asleep with a lot of contemplation.
And who knew my nightmare about rape, turned into something else... Weirdly it turned into a celebratory day. A simple Wedding, a church wedding to be exact. But that wasn't the first setting, the first scene that I saw was myself, getting pampered and prepared for today's wedding. I was in a Hotel room. I remembered every detail of this scene, all my accessories where laid out on the hotel bed, from jewelries to shoes to the dress itself. And the first thing I did in the dream was wear that dress.
The dress in my dream was not the traditional all white wedding gown, this was different.
The skirt was short and fluffy, and the skirt had printed flowers on it. Blue and white flowers, the image was so beautiful I specifically remembered reminding myself that when I wake up I will look up the image on Google when I wake up. And I did found it online.
Back to the dress, as I said, the dress looked more like a cocktail dress than a wedding dress. Still I loved it, and it was partnered with a soft shawl, blue color as well. Once I put the dress on, the hired make-up artist did her job. I sat down in front of the dresser, the mirror reflecting my image. I looked horrible and tired, but the hired help did a perfect job making me look good. It wasn't perfect but it did show a better side of me. The artist talked to me a lot, giving me compliments here and there, every stroke of her brush on my skin felt real. I am ticklish on the eyes, and very sensitive to the eyeliner, so she did several tries applying it because the fucking liner kept blotting when I cried.
An when that was over, I knew the scene was going to change. And it did, one minute I was getting finishing touches with accessories, then I was now outside the church. It was a cool day, the sun was bright but not hot. A fresh breeze was moving around my skirt, and I stood there in front of the church door, and began watching as all the flower girls began moving forward with their cute little basket of flowers. I looked around and saw that today's wedding theme was Blue. Everyone had their own color of blue, even the flowers being held by the girls where blue. This was "Bobby's" favorite color.
Before I knew it, I began walking down the aisle, with the blue veil over my head, I stood up straight. Held the bouquet in my hands tightly and just walked...
I know most weddings, the parent was suppose to accompany the bride down the aisle. But this dream, my parents were sitting in front, looking at me. I smiled at them and continued walking on down the aisle.
Then when I got there, the priest was not there... So was the Groom.
I saw Bobby's best friend there standing, looking worried. But not worried about me, of course his best friend was missing. I know I've been watching too many wedding stories to know where this was going. I expected the worst, so I walked towards the bench where the bride and Groom was suppose to be, and sat my ass down.
Most weddings, the bride was not suppose to walk down the aisle unless the Groom was there. But somehow, I get the feeling that the role was fucked up. Surprisingly, I did not made a scene, crying out or yelling on where the groom was, instead I sat down quietly while everyone else began whispering. Heads began turning, even my bride's maid was getting worried.
SO... what exactly was running through my head during that dream? Was I suppose to panic? was I suppose to feel worried?
No, I did none of that. I just sat there, and began to say this to myself:
He's not coming...
This was not a surprise to me anymore. In reality, Bobby was afraid of commitment, and he always runs away. Even in my dreams, that was exactly how he is.
I was fully aware of the time in that dream, I knew that minutes were turning into an hour. But no one was leaving, and I did not make an attempt to stand up and leave. I don't know what was happening but somehow I began praying silently for him to arrive.
As a hopeless individual, I hoped that he would come. That was all I wanted, even in reality I always hoped that he would one day turn up back into my life. And I hope that in my dream, it would be different this time.
And miraculously He came... Bobby came.
I was so happy when I saw him stride down towards me. His phone right up his ear, talking to someone, while he walked towards me. No one paid attention to him, nor did they acknowledged him, as if him being late was nothing.
Finally Bobby sat down on the opposite bench side of the bench, he glanced at me once then continued talking to whoever the fuck is on the phone. I was happy. I was so fucking happy that he came. He maybe on the phone with someone else but I wasn't to complain...
I know my future husband was busy on the phone... on our wedding day.
I glanced back at the Altar, somehow I felt lonely. My prayers have been answered and I was grateful. He came today. But when I glanced back at him, he wouldn't look me in the eyes, he continued talking to the phone...
Weirdest wedding ever... The priest was not present, the crowd was doing whatever the damn they want and the Groom, was showing no interest in anything that was happening. And I dread just like in reality that his interest was fading
I sighed, stood up and silently walked down the aisle. No one took notice, nor did anyone cared. I just walked, bowing my head feeling nothing. I went back to my room.
THEN I WOKE UP...
Yup boring as fuck? I know, but as I stared at my clock (6am), wide awake, I reflected and told myself that was only a dream... then I prayed that the dream would continue. I began murmuring to God to please let me change the outcome of the dream. I wanted it to end differently, I didn't want it end up like my reality. I wanted to be with him... I wanted to at least change the outcome of that dream even if I couldn't change my reality. I begged in my prayer to God to please let me have this smallest time of my life...
And the dream continued...
I was back in the hotel room, sitting on the bed. I smiled to myself, I was given another chance. This was it...
I took a deep breath, then began doing was a bride must do. I retouch my makeup. Re-applied my "own" make-up. Applied my BB Cream, my lipstick and well... did other "touch ups". Once that was done, I took another deep breath and made my way back to the church.
Everything was the same where I left off, the sun was shining, the breeze was so refreshing. The doors of the church were close. I remembered the dream completely. I've been taking deep breath lately in this dream. It was now or never...
"Happy Birthday!"
When I pushed the door open and re-entered the church, everyone started singing my a Happy birthday.
So I was getting married on my Birthday?
Everyone was lively now, clapping to the song as my mom began walking towards me, carrying a birthday cake, as I walked towards her... Bobby was carrying a new set of flowers for me, walking towards me with the smile that he always gave me, that soft smile that always assured me that everything was alright. I began to cry at this moment, because I knew I had finally fixed something that I couldn't fix in reality. For once, I had escaped reality and into this asshole's arms.
When he met me half-way, pulled me in towards him, and gave me those kisses that make you blush, knowing that people were looking. Even my mom pulled out of the scene, and just went towards the crowd, still carrying that cake. Yes, I remembered this detail very well.
Bobby was just there with me. Holding me with those flowers still in his hand. It felt so real, it felt so familiar, and I missed this. I perfectly knew this was just a dream, so I was determined to make this right, even this smallest moment was enough for me.
Bobby pulled away and finally handed me those beautiful flowers (blue roses). Then we walked down the aisle toward the waiting priest. Funny thought, as I walked down, I began seeing myself from a different angle as if I was watching from a 3rd person's point of view.
I saw myself getting married, Bobby giving me the ring as we exchanged vows, and the "You may now Kiss the Bride" moment flew by so quickly. Well this was a dream, and I am not complaining. Even from a different perspective, the kiss felt real. And before I knew it, the scene changed into the reception.
I smiled widely as the reception to commence, I watch the crowd enjoy themselves, saw my friends, co- worker and family having the time of their life. And beside me was "My Husband", watching the scene as well, glancing towards me with that soft smile of his.
"I love you"
Damn that voice of him... I began crying again. Who would knew I could cry this much? But then again Dreams aren't suppose to make any sense.
As the scene changed, I found myself in bed, staring at the ring in my hand, Admiring the rock mounted on the metal ring. And Bobby...he was in bed, signing something on a paper. I smiled and began conversing with him like we always do, teasing him about things (strangely I don't remember what I was teasing him about), I looked around I assumed this was our bedroom. It felt so right...
And once he was done, we made love. And I felt everything, and by "everything", I do mean everything. He was what I expected him to be. And I will not go into details on this, yes I remember everything from this scene but that's something I don't plan to share.
When it was over, I fell asleep in the dream and the last thing I saw was his smiling face.
Then I have finally woke-up...
As I lay awake in my single bed, I stared at the ceiling of the room.
And I remembered everything, as those scene repeated in my head... I cried out loud.
I cried out and began thanking the Lord. I kept repeating those words "Thank you Lord"
I didn't know what made me cry the most, was it that I was given a second chance at a small happiness that me and Bobby had ended up together, or was that the Fact that God listened to my small wish and allowed me to alter my dream that I had once wished could be my reality. I would never know...
At this point I hugged my body pillow, and continued crying. I was so Happy. Somehow I still got my Happy Ending...
As I went down to breakfast, the first thing I did was play Lady Gaga's song "Million Reasons". As the lyrics came gushing in, I look down on my right hand and cried out loud again...
I felt where the ring was, that heavy stone still lingered on my ring finger. That was how I knew I got more than what I prayed for. And that sinking feeling that I knew that in an alternate reality, I got married to my ex.
You must think I may be insane as I type down every detail of my dream. How can this girl possibly remember all that? How can she possibly feel everything in that dream? How? JUST HOW?
I don't have all the answers, but somehow after the rough weeks and months that I have been going through up till today, God gave me a small gift to remember. In reality, sure it may not work out the way we want it, but the universe will do everything, even the smallest action, to somehow make to you feel better, even when life has turned against you.
Thank you Lord or your gift.
Thank you to the readers who took the time to read this...
And to Bobby, Thank you for showing me how to feel loved. We may no longer be together in this lifetime, but I hope somewhere in another reality... we could have been. I hope you are happy where you are now and that life treats you better. I may not get over you but I know, I can get through.
-JF
