Okay let me start off with why I love you.
You're passionate in your dance. You have low self-esteem but every time I look at you practicing your craft, you become someone else. You seem so charismatic and confident I can't help but feel awed and inspired by you.
You're very lovable. The things you do and the way you smile it gets me, especially when you laugh like it makes me wanna laugh with you. The way you care for others, including me, is something that no one has ever done. I always feel like I'm not good enough and you made me think I was worth it, thinking about the countless nights you would stay up with me just to hear me talk about my problems. You don't know it but I cry everytime I do and if you weren't around, I wouldnt know what I would have done.
I love how you pretended to be my boyfriend on occasions and it became a thing. Like we'd hold hands and link arms and hug and cuddle and stuff like even though it was all pretense, I still felt the warmth from you. Something that I haven't gotten in a while because with you, I feel safe and secure.
But alas, I fell too deep. I think I like you. Maybe, I love you and I mean it romantically wise. Here I was thinking it was an innocent crush and I should just confess to you and get it over and done with.
But you're straight and I'm gay.
It feels like we live in two different worlds.
I thought that it would be just a stupid confession and it became something we would laugh about and move on from like how normal confessions are.
But when I saw you the next day, I guess things have changed. You don't seem normal and cold even. The twinkle in your eye everytime you looked at me, has been replaced with an eclipse. I see darkness and I see, my own regret, in telling you how I feel about you.
Over text, you told me that you don't wanna ruin whatever friendship we had because I mean dearly to you and I honestly feel that way to you. You are straight. I get why you have to reject me.
But when you started acting different, it hurts. 'Cause amidst all my problems, I find comfort and solace in your hugs and now, I feel like I'm not entitled to that anymore.
You would smile and talk to me when people are around but silence ensues when it is only just the two of us. What ever happened to small talks? What happened to the jokes we would make or like the smiles we would share?
It seems like you were more comfortable when I wasn't around and it honestly felt like you were avoiding me. Especially that day that you said let's walk together and suddenly you turned back without telling me. It hurts because I thought you would at least tell me you changed your mind. Were you uncomfortable with me that bad?
Then it dawned on me. People are okay with gays, till the day comes that feelings are involved.
Gays then become like some sort of abomination and a creature to be feared.
Look, we don't want your penis or your body, we want to be with you. The way we feel, is entirely based on how you made us feel when we are around you.
Doesn't this applies to all kinds of people, gay or not?
It just hurts more that when I ask you about it, you only say that we are okay and nothing has changed but you have. That's what hurts the most because it feels like you've totally abandoned your sincerity when it comes to me and you only lie so that I wouldn't pursue it any longer.
I just want you to be genuine, tell me if you need space and me to go away because I would if it meant that at the end of the day, we would be the way we were before.
I guess, at the end of the day, I still love you and I regret confessing to you had I known this would have happened. You mean so much to me for me to risk losing.
I write this letter to you, not as the boy who confessed to you, but as your good old friend who misses spending time with you, as that friend who needs you more than you need him.
I just miss being around you.
But I just hope things will be okay someday, hopefully soon because our days are numbered and we wont know how much time we have left.
Love you,
Laxative
