To my husband.I am sorry.

Subject: To my husband.I am sorry.
Date: 16 Apr 2018

How could you sleep peacefully at night knowing that I'm hurting?That you've wronged me and disregarded my thoughts and told me to shut up because you think I complain a lot?But you dont see yourself indirectly complaining and being upset at how you couldn't understand what I said. You don't listen to what I have to say,what my needs are and why I choose some things and make the decisions I make.What matters to you is convenience,and not give a rat's ass about what I'd like.You don't ask me.You are very selfish. You make me feel like I am inadequate and incapable and unintelligent.That Im not good enough.
why do you belittle me instead of lifting me up?why do you make me feel bad about myself?Is your resentment towards me really that bad that you can't,for the life of you,just show me a little bit of respect?Yet you want me to respect you?I dont even ask for you to respect me as your wife anymore.But PLEASE,respect me as a person.I'm slowly losing my dignity and I have developed self-doubt,uncertainty with most things that Im usually confident about,especially if it's about myself that I had never problems with until I started dating you.

I am very jealous of the people you look up to,whom you had no bad things to say about.I dont remember how it feels like to be looked up to,be respected,made my worth known to me and appreciate me being in their life anymore.All that because I set unrealistic standards for myself to meet your expectations.It was a lot easier before.Why is everything so difficult with you now?

Why do you take me for granted?I am so sorry that you feel like I'm hindering you from doing things you would have done a long time ago had I not lost my status and was still working.Don't worry,it won't be long.You'll gain your financial freedom again and you won't have to support me so you can just run my tab on me when things go south.

Would you have married me still if you knew that I dont have to leave the country?would you have treated me any better if I was the girl you were hoping I would be?the one who can speak better English so you don't have to shove in my face how I'm so bad at communicating and I don't make any sense therefore you feel the need to talk down on me instead of just trying to understand what I meant?the one who listens to the podcasts that you swear by that is the perfect way to learn because I "need to change my habits that displeases you"?

Why can't you just love me for being me?Why can't you appreciate me?Why can't you just let me be happy?I want to be happy.I don't remember how it feels to be happy anymore.I have been sad for days,weeks,months but I never have said aything because I don't wanna hear you say "I'm causing drama". You are a great, wonderful person with a huge heart,but you are a terrible husband.I am speaking from my experience.

I don't know whether I'd be around for very long. But I do hope and pray that when I'm gone,you would truly realize and appreciate what you had and who I really was,and I hope that you continue to live happily with being able to set realistic standards for the people you want to emotionally invest in in your life.
I'm sorry that I was not the best for you.I probably never was "the one". I just really pushed and forced myself into this.I thought I got lucky when you asked me out because I had the biggest crush on you.(I still do). I never meant to be a burden for you. Do know that I genuinely loved you and am so thankful that I met you and what you have done to help me and how much I valued what we have.

But there are no permanent things in this world.Somehow,some things have to change.
And that change includes us.
I am sorry I did not fulfill the role of your perfect wife.I tried.I thought I did qualify. But I am done trying.

Please be happy,do it for me.That's all I ever want you to be.And try to respect the next person after me if you want to keep them around.Do not take them for granted.

We all make mistakes,I forgive you. I love you. Til the next life.

Xo,
Your wife

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