As I write this I have a chaotic mesh of emotions. The first and most prevalent is love. I love you all so much. You have become such a large portion of the positive aspects of my existence, it’s hard to comprehend how much you mean to me. The few genuinely happy memories I have, are all thanks to you guys. You have made such an enormous impact on my life that I can’t imagine a future without any of you. But the sad truth is we have grown distant. I don’t feel like I can approach you all in the same manner I have before, and I know it is my own doing.
This brings me to the next emotion; Regret. We all make mistakes, we all have done things we wish we hadn’t, and for the most part we were able to set things right and move on. But there comes a point where it begins to wear thin, I am not one to shy away from admitting fault and I never will and its clear the ever-growing rift between us is my own making . In the past I have put myself in horrible yet avoidable situations and you were there to help me and likewise I was always there when I was needed, it’s one thing to make mistakes and it is another to make the same ones continuously. I have embarrassed some of you to the point that you can’t see me as the same person you first met. It hurts to know I did that. It hurts to live with that unshakeable guilt. I often find myself reminiscing which inevitably became a pitfall into an abyss of self-loathing and regret. Each day has become more of a chore with the knowledge that I have torn our friendship apart.
Ultimately this manifests into the worst and truthfully the saddest of feelings; Resentment. Each day is a bitter reminder of my self-hatred, being with you guys has calmed the storm of anger and lack of self-confidence that has been brewing in me for the past few years, however it returns stronger than ever with a vice grip on my conscious, reminding me of my failure as a human being to function with some semblance of dignity and ultimately respect not only for myself but for you. You have seen the worst in me too often and I have made a conscious effort to avoid you ever having to experience me at my lowest. You don’t deserve it. Yet It pains me to admit that this hatred is now being projected onto you. I feel you have all abandoned me, that you tolerate my presence because we are obliged to be in the same space. To me it seems that it would not phase a single person in our group if I was no longer a part of your lives. I hate it with a fiery passion. Yet I can’t be angry at you. You have done nothing wrong. I can’t shake the feeling that you put more value on my mistakes than our friendship. I never made a point to consciously hurt you. I don’t go out of my way to be a bad person, I thought you all knew me well enough to know that I treasure you all too much to knowingly cause such colossal damage to our relationship.
I guess in the end I am over idealising you. To me you are the best and most unique, beautiful human beings I have ever met. To me you are family. My opinions of you have never and will never change, I put so much trust and care into you all that I expected the same from you. And at one point you did put that trust in me and you did care for me, but you are only human and you have your limits. I have put a needless emotional weight on your collective shoulders and you have buckled under the pressure of it all and for that I am unequivocally sorry. You have every right to be fed up. You have lives outside of our circle and you have your own personal conflicts, some of which vastly eclipse mine. I have been selfish and foolish. I wish I did more to be there for you as you did for me. I have no excuses, you have made it clear that I make you uncomfortable. I am paying for my transgressions and rightfully so. As I read back I feel that I am not fully expressing myself. Nothing I say, think or right can truly quantify what I am feeling, and even when I was open about my emotions I never felt that I was truly explaining them. Right now nothing really makes sense. Quite literally nothing. I feel lost spiritually, emotionally and mentally because I am still trying to piece together and make sense of how quickly I have destroyed your love for me. Everything is an uncomfortable blur. I can feel myself ever so slowly unravelling as the days creep along. I feel like there is a large whole in my head sucking all coherent thought. I can physically feel the life draining from my eyes. Every day feels unreal, like I am trapped in a perpetual and strangely lucid nightmare. Everything I feel has an undercurrent of sorrow and shame. It feels strange talking to other people, no one has my full attention anymore. It’s uncomfortable to laugh or engage with anything I do. I find myself talking to nothing as if you were there, trying to explain myself then catching my reflection and realising that I don’t have the guts to say this to you in person because I am afraid I will cause more damage. Even Though I have been spared the pain of total “excommunication” I can’t help but fear that the future will be evermore lonelier as the day’s progress. It’s hard to see the ones you love move on from an emotional storm such as the one I created because I know I am now alone dealing with the mess I have made. The sad truth is that doing nothing to salvage what was left of our relationship is ultimately the best option. My hands are tied, I have apologised and tried to make amends where possible but it’s not enough and there is nothing more I can do. I can’t believe I drove you all away. We are stuck in a strange limbo and I am tight roping on a line that is tethered above loneliness and shame. I wish I had the foresight and common sense to be a better person for you guys. I am making a change to better myself FOR YOU. But if nothing comes of it I fear that the change means nothing. I am so sorry and it kills me that you don’t understand the shame and guilt I am feeling. Even though we are at times physically close I miss you all so much. I never want to feel this jarring, uncomfortable concoction of emotions again and I hope you never do too. I love you all so much
I also hope you never see this,
Sincerely
Your old friend.
P.S. If you do happen upon this letter, do forgive do forgive my grammar. I’m an idiot. Xx
