That night as I watched you sleep I knew you were going to be okay. I payed down beside you to get some rest for you to wake me up 30 minutes later shaking uncontrollably. As I tried to get you to go to the ER and tried to get you up my thoughts raced thinking I would lose you, but how could God let that happen? I knew as I sat there holding your hand praying to God that you were going to be okay. Until, you weren’t. When I did CPR and felt your pulse come back I thanked God in a split second until the ambulance finally arrived. I still sat there on the couch praying to God begging him to keep you here telling him it wasn’t your time. It couldn’t be. We were supposed to be together forever. Driving to the hospital after the ambulance left I sat there crying out to God praying that he wouldn’t take you.
God had other plans. When your mama came out and told me they were done working on you and there was nothing else they could do I could feel my whole world crash down around me. How could this be true? How could God not answer my prayers and keep you here. We needed you. We still need you. I know we aren’t supposed to question God’s will, but how could this be his will. You were 27 we had a whole life ahead of us. Plans to do things grow old. Even had a retirement plan. How could God change our plans? Then I remembered one of my favorite bible verses “for I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” Jeremiah 29:11. I have struggled so much dealing with this that I have lost sight of God, but everyday I’m reminded that we belong to him, we are his children, and when he wants us to come home he will take us home. It’s not our timing but His. I try not to question his plan, but I do struggle with it. I try not to cry because I know your happy with Jesus the King of Kings. You always said you were built for battle and I think you were right. God is getting his soldiers ready for that day. The day we all go home. Everyday I try to give our son the comfort he needs to get him thru, and I don’t always find the right words, but sometimes I just hold him and cry as much as I try to hide it from him sometimes they just come out of nowhere. I can feel you around sometimes and those times make me cry because I wish I could see you in the flesh. I know that day will come when I will see you again, but until then I will miss you every single day. I am trying to be patient, but I think of when my day comes and try to imagine what that day will be like. I’m not sad because you are in Heaven I am sad because I’m jealous that you are there and I am not. This world is a dark place there is so much evil in this world and you don’t have to deal with that. I am selfish. Understanding but selfish. I am tired of being strong and putting on the fake smile laughing hard to hide the pain, but I know I have to be strong. I’m just tired. I ask God to give me the strength every single day. Walk beside me on this earth and our little boy who misses you so dearly and help us get thru it. That voice I imagine you saying things to me I listen to because I do believe it’s your advice that gets me thru. I could write a book, but I’ll end with this.
You are my soulmate, the love of my life, my everything, and I will miss you everyday of my life. I will keep your memory alive and always be thankful for the memories we made. Even though I can’t make anymore with you. I still have your signs that you send me and those are continued memories thru you. There is no one I ever loved more. Save my spot up there. When I get there I already have an earful I wanna tell you. I can’t wait for you to tell me about yours. Until we meet again. All my love, Amber.
