It's been some time now since we have parted ways, though the decision was not my own I understand and realize that I was a large cause of it. Time has moved slower than my thoughts it seems, at times it felt like I was a day ahead of where my physical body was presently at. Other days my mind was in the past and some days, although seldom, I lived in the present moment. It was an overwhelming struggle getting to where I am now, as I am also sure wherever you are at has been the same. I am at that point where I am ok with just living life and taking things as they come, sometimes I get a bit of anxiety though wondering where I am going now. I know things between us moved quickly, from meeting to a date, to giving each other a title. Something about you though drew me in like magnets clinging to one another, inseparable without a great amount of resistance. I will admit I immediately started trying to show you all of these wonderful things that Love could be without giving myself a chance to see who you were over a period of time. I was quick to judge and had already fallin in Love. I may not of done everything perfect and such is the case when two opposites attract, two individuals whom bring their personalities together to coincide with one another in a joint-full kind of way. I know I could of done things better but I also know I did everything to my minds capacity to solidify the good that we had. Everything I did was out of Love, this boiling passion I had for you to stand by my side in this crazy society we call life. Your probably thinking that there were for sure things I did out of anger or hate and that may very well be true but the basis to those emotions were all from Love. It pained me in ways that I can't describe - to see you in certain ways, to feel you mad or spiteful, the fear I held that you would run away from yourself or leave because I was too loving, open hearted or positive minded. You see Love is something that carries expectations, we expect many things out of that person. They do not have to be restrictive expectations, they can be good but most people use the excuse of "If you have reasons to Love someone you don't Love them." Well that in itself is contradictive because that is the very act of having an expectation. They are inevitable and the best we can do with the ones we do have is to expect the same Love in return, the same warm heartedness, acceptance, appreciation, trust and loyalty.
I'm sorry for the negative side of things that I put you through and I know that is and may always be a hard pill for you to swallow, if you can ever swallow it. I would give anything to go back and re-live things and separate the first time I knew we should of. It would have been hard but it would of helped us to grow and allowed us the potential to come back together with a more positive mindset. The problem with waiting till the very moment that you can't take anymore is you are scarred by that point and well we all know those scars are hard to heal and nurture enough to become ninja scars.
I still to this day question, wonder and try to understand what it was or is exactly that had you so troubled. I still wonder if it is something that you may never speak of or if it is something you may not even know yourself. I do not understand why you were so scared to get close to me, why it was so hard to open up and what it was that was so troublesome about being in a serious relationship. You say that you love me and that I am the one, you know you want to spend your life with me...Yet why was it so hard to accept that? I've considered that maybe you are just afraid to grow up and possibly loose out on adventures or parties. Whatever the reasons are I just want you to know that I only ever wanted to cure those anxious thoughts and fill the emptiness. I Love you so much I just want to protect you from everything and I want you to Love me back with a fiery passion beyond what you ever thought capable.
In ending I want to say that I never meant or tried to blame you, I know it's not your fault. I know it's something that you possibly have not figured out or just don't want to see yet. I know what you are capable of though because I have seen that with my own eyes, my heart has felt it, my lips have tasted it and my hands have grazed it. Love is not easy, Love will always hurt in some way but that doesn't mean it is not worth fighting for. Without the hurt that comes along with happiness we would never fully understand the true capabilities of ourselves and our ability to Love as we would not have anything to measure it's worth. That said your self worth is greater than you give credit too, you’re an amazing person, you're beautiful inside and out and I know that you can conquer anything and everything that comes your way. Although if you can't I am always here to defend and fight with you. This letter's intention is not to try and win you back but simply to express my feelings and try to inspire you to happiness. If your path finds mine again I would be overjoyed, it would be a long, slow walk but it would be worth every step.
