By today’s standards, all good love stories have a happy ending. These stories are worth reading or watching, but what if the best love stories don’t have happy ones? What if the best love stories end horribly? This one ended in the worst way I could have possibly imagined but for her, it may have been one of the best things that ever happened to her. I was asked once to describe the girl I’m in love with and what happened to us, here is what I said.
Saying she was the most amazing person I have ever met is an understatement. I have always been a dreamer. She was the pair of wings that let me fly to every dream I could ever imagine but she also held me down when it started flying too high. Her soul was that of an angel who always saw the best in people, even when they couldn’t see it in themselves. The light that shined in her was so bright that anyone who was around her felt it in themselves. She had a way of making me see the best in the worst of times. Her laugh was the purest song I have ever heard. No artist, bird, or sound of nature could create the same tone that was her laugh does. Her eyes could look through any wall I could ever have up and find a way to tear them down. Her hair shimmered brighter than the brightest star in the darkest sky and flowed smoother than any river. Her smile could melt me to my core. And most importantly, she loved with the hottest flame, a fire that I never imagined would burn out.
We met in our high school choir our sophomore year after she kind of voluntold me I was her partner for one of the pieces we did for our fall show that year. I remember looking at her and thinking to myself that she was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Anyone who knows me knows that I am very talkative and not afraid to talk to any stranger but something about her made it really hard to keep myself together. Being around her made me so absolutely nervous that singing was out the question so I mouthed the words the best I could. We eventually started spending so much time together that being apart from her felt unbelievably wrong. I can pinpoint the day down to Tuesday, September 30, 2008 as the day I knew I had fallen for her not even two months after I met her. It was Homecoming week and our high school was doing their annual mock beauty pageant. She and a friend decided to go together and I was going to third wheel, however an argument took place between the two of them and neither of us even attended the pageant. Instead we sat outside in one of the commons areas and talked the entire night. She told me about the argument and broke down into tears. I remember holding her, hearing the pain in her voice, whipping the tears from her eyes, just sitting there praying that she would never ever feel that pain from me. I prayed that I could always find a way to make things right before they ever went bad. I made a silent promise to her that for the rest of my life, I would never let her down.
As time progressed, so did my love for her. Faster and stronger than either of us could have imagined. The morning of Halloween our choir went to the local collage here to sing for the (SWERING IN) of the new president of the university. The previous night, we were having a conversation online and I was basically going to ask her out. Her exact words before signing off were, “Finish this in the morning.” That next morning, at 7:10am, I asked her to be my girlfriend. The bell was ringing for us to go to class and I just remember hating the school for taking her away from me after I just got the best “yes” I could ever ask for. The girl of my dreams was officially my girlfriend. The weather changed and Christmas time came around. It was the week before Christmas, sitting on the floor in her parent’s living room, I looked her in her eyes and finally told her I loved her. I knew it in every bone in my body that she would be the one. It caught her off guard and I could see it so we changed the subject to something else. A few days later, in that exact same spot, she handed me a glass heart telling me that she did not want to tell me she loved me until she knew she meant it and that the heart was the best thing she could offer at that moment. Not in those exact words, but close enough. I carried that heart with me everywhere I went. It was in my pocked every day unless I was going somewhere that I could risk losing it. I even had the hospital staff tape it in my hand when I had my appendix removed because I refused to be without it, without her. That glass heart became my worry stone, I was never without her. On May 9, 2010 my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I still wonder if I could have handled the news and seeing my mom go through the cancer treatments as well as I did with having her by my side through it all. She held me every time I cried and could always find the words to say to bring me back. Seeing that side of her sealed the deal in my book. She was mine and I wasn’t going to let her go.
Now all these things seem wonderful, right? What I can’t tell you is the big milestones in her life that she went through. As the years progressed I became comfortable with our relationship. I was complacent. Every Christmas and every year for my birthday she would go all out and make me such wonderful heart felt gifts. Gifts that to this day are still in a box in my closet. You know I only ever did one thing for her for a holiday. One year for Valentine’s Day I made her a heartfelt card. That’s it. I started volunteering for an animal rescue company which took all of my time. I would find excuses to not go places and cancel dates just so I could go to the rescue and work. But in my mind, I was comfortable. I started recanting on everything I felt the first night I held her while she cried. I remember a night that she lost a distant aunt and asked me to go over to her house to be with her and my excuse was I had to clean my fish tanks. She rarely asked me to stop what I was doing to be with her, but when she did, I always put my wants in front of her needs. Fast-forward again to Sunday June 8, 2014. The last day we were together as a couple. We were going through somethings that at the time I thought were trivial. She came over and it was like any other day. The next night, my whole world was rocked. Monday, June 9, 2014, 2047 days after the best day of my life, I experienced the absolute worst day of my life. “I can’t do this anymore.” Those words play over and over again in my head. I sat there, listening to every word she said but only hearing what she wasn’t saying. She listed off her reasons why she was done; I wasn’t there emotionally for her, I was selfish and rarely if ever put her needs in front of my own, basically pointing out everything I already knew but kept telling myself that it was alright, that she’d never leave me. I learned that day what heart ache really is.
She left me to finally put herself first. To live her life how she needed to live it, without me holding her back. I went through so many phases after this that I can say with full honesty that I don’t even know what happened. Among the many lessons I learned with the break up, I learned that trusting the words of some people can be just as bad as lying to the ones you love. Now I’m not placing the blame for this next part on anyone but myself. I listened to everything everyone told me and made up my own story on what was going on based on what everyone else was saying. Instead of trying to stop rumors, I made them worse by spreading them to everyone. I became malicious and hateful. I said things about her to so many people with the one goal to hurt her as bad as she hurt me. Exactly what I promised myself I would rather die than to do. Going back to how amazing she is, I never once heard anything bad she said about me. I doubt she ever did. I was so malicious and yet she never lowered herself to my level. That takes a very strong minded and pure hearted individual if you ask me.
Almost two and a half years later, every night feels like June 9, 2014. Knowing her, to me, was knowing an angel. One of the last things I ever said to her ways this, “I still want to be with you so until then, or if that day never comes, I will be alright with the memory of an angel sent to me directly from God.” This love story ended so that she could find the happiness she deserves. There is not a day that goes by now that I don’t thank God for sending me her. I pray every night that she finds happiness or at least is on her way to finding it, that she finds a love that will never let her down the way that I did, and that she finds it in her heart to forgive me for all the hate that I had for her. She is my proof that God is real. The only remaining physical photograph I have of her is on my bible marking the page with my favorite verse.
Our story was one not easy to tell but I think that many people are in the same boat that we were in. My one piece of advice is that if your relationship is toxic, please find a way out. You are no good to anyone if you aren’t good to yourself first.
