Feeling our relationship was coming to an end certainly didn't make the official termination any easier. I find it especially difficult because I can't hate you.
I struggle with the realization that our days of exploring are forever gone. There is no longer anything to try to work through because you can't change how/what you feel or don't feel. You will never be a presence in my life again. The thought of that eternal separation makes me sick. We have become completely separate people that are operating independently, yet my heart still aches with your absence.
I wonder if things would be different if we had never attempted to move in together, if the conversation was never initiated until after we were done with school. It's so damn painful. Thinking about going through day to day life and not ever sharing another story with you or being able to turn to you for support is awful. I understand you need to be free of me. You would never have thrived or known happiness if you stayed with me.
I can't even wear the ring you got me for Mother's Day. I picked it up to put it on and it caused me physical pain to touch it. You're fortunate to be traveling and on the move because I am surrounded by our memories and the love we shared everywhere I turn. Every road I drive, every place I visit reminds me of a time when I had you and we were happy.
I struggle with being thankful that I got to spend four years walking by your side, as your partner, the person you loved. You also showed me, until recently, what I want in a man. I'm thankful that I no longer have to hear you say "I'm sorry" whenever I've shared a very real emotion, struggle, or heartache with you. Those many, many "I'm sorries" became my inner voice in realizing that you simply stopped caring for me, thinking about me, and missing me. They were the only words you could offer to placate my desperation to gain your affection and attention.
I've been running. I'm afraid to stop running because if I do my despair will consume me and I'm afraid I won't come out alive. Who wins in a situation like this? I pull myself together every morning and head to work. I see clients, do paperwork, go to meetings. I come home and go running. There's no need for food right now, I've no appetite. When everything is done and I'm finally alone that's when I break.
What are your days like? How does it feel to leave work and check your phone only to see no messages from me? Are you relieved? Sad? Happy? Conflicted?
I wish I could move through this with the ease that you will. I wish I could find a way to feel at peace with the death of us. How do I let go, move on, and forget the past four years when I am still in love with you? Do you cry for me? For us?
I made the decision to let you go the other night because it was the right thing to do right now, for both of us. You were miserable and disconnected and I was stuck living in that space. Trapping you. Letting you go was probably the only unselfish thing I've done in our relationship.
It was deeply painful going through our millions of pictures to delete your face from my life. If only it was so simple and quick as the click of a button. I fear that this intense pain of missing you will be just as sharp in 3, 7, 11 months, one year, even five years. I look into the future and can't imagine what it will be like when I no longer hope to see you there. How do I keep going?
I need to find a way to move on, I need calm stability. I believe you will find your person very quickly. A woman you can love unconditionally and so fully that you will be willing to fight through any obstacles and barriers. A woman that you value more than you valued me. I think I prefer a relationship of convenience for myself. I never want to love anyone as wholly as I've loved you. I'll settle for a constant, reassuring presence so that when it falls apart I don't have to. You were my person, Cupcake, thank you and I wish I could've been yours.
