Have you ever been in a place you just can't get out of? A place of darkness? A place where you wake up naturally drained & can barely crawl out of bed in the mornings? A place where it feels like the day is already over before it even begins? Lets take a peek inside my brain. Here's to my suicidal thoughts.
Some days I literally don't have a single care in the world. I wake up, go to school & I feel normal. Those are the days I sing aloud in the lunch line, make funny jokes, say hi to & smile at everyone I can, & laugh so much that my cheeks ache & my stomach throbs. Then there are days where I wake up, go to school & I don't feel like doing anything or talking to anyone. I just wake up with a mind set that the whole world is against me & everyone hates me. It's weird. When I was in 8th grade, I told myself I'd never be one of those weird, depressed kids until one day, it felt like the weight of the whole world was on my shoulders & ever since that day, I've never been the same.
I've written other letters online. Letters just in case one day i'm not here. I'm so terrified that one day, i'm just going to wake up to decide that my thoughts are too much, & i'm going to end my own life. If anything, I want to be remembered as the sweet girl I am on the inside. I tend to have RBF but I swear I have a heart of gold. I always try to be the person I need. Every day is a struggle for me but I always push others to keep going because I wish someone would've pushed me a little harder. I pretend to be strong for other people because no one is strong anymore. Every one just lets the world get to them. So many people have proven to me that they don't care about me so I've forced myself to believe that no one has or ever will care about me. I've made myself believe that i'm too much for one to care about or love. I reached out for someone to talk to, but everyone was always too busy for me. Let my death be a lesson. Make sure everyone has each others backs. No more rumors, hatred, & bullying. Just share love & compassion. The one thing that's holding me back from letting go is looking down & seeing that my family & friends really aren't ok without me. I don't want to look down from above & see that they aren't accomplishing anything. If anything, I want my death to be an inspiration, a motivation to make something of themselves in a way I couldn't. I want to know that everyone in my life will succeed. I want to be able to dance in the sky with my grandpa & connect with him in a way I was unable to before, & meet my little cousin & tell her just how wonderful her parents & siblings are. I want to see Davidian & Martin again. I want to see again those I've lost.
When I'm gone & someone comes across this letter in the future, the only thing I ask is that you don't let anyone throw dirt on my name. I know who I used to be & I know who I am now. Also, please make sure my family & friends are staying strong. Remind them that I'm watching over them in heaven & sending my love down. Don't let anyone mourn over me. This is what I've wanted for a very long time & no one could've ever saved me from myself. Don't allow anyone to blame themselves. Let them know that I'm not in pain anymore. Every day was nothing but pain for me. I tried my best to be happy. I tried my best to put on a brave face. Lastly, reassure them that I love them so much.
(p.s. NOT a suicide letter)
Love, Maddie
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