To my erstwhile Master, friend and hero,
How many weeks has been since I found out I was ill and wasn't going to get better? It feels like forever ago now.
You had told me what, two weeks earlier that your promises for our future couldn't be. That she had changed her mind but you hadn't had the heart to tell me. The loss I felt then had been immense. My whole future died that day.
I forgave you though. I never wanted to lose your friendship. You were my hero. Helping you with your recordings meant the world to me.
You cut me off the day I told you I was ill. We had spoken as friends. I thought at last I had my friend back even if I couldn't have my love and Master back ... the future you had promised me. Something was still salvageable. I knew that no matter how ill I would get I had your support. I would get as much of my writing done as possible and when I was no longer able to write you could have it. After all we had found each other over my writing.
I was so very scared of being sick. I was scared of what came after being sick. Death is scary when you're in your 20s.
We had discussed my writing and you were going to give me feedback then that evening you emailed me that you could not talk to me anymore. You could not be my friend. You would not support my work anymore. All of my future emails would be blocked.
I tried all ways to reach you to find out what I had done ... whether it was me, my writing or my sickness that had made you do this to me. You stayed true to your words though. You had cut me off. I was never to know what would make you do this to me at a time when I needed my friend's support more than ever.
I forgive you.
I will not lie. More often than not I wish that this disease will be the worst that it can be so that the pain of losing my friend and hero can just end.
For two years listening to your recordings gave me a peace of mind that I had only wished for before you. I don't have that anymore. For the four months we spoke I felt a friendship you so rarely make – one where you meet a friend for life – I had forgotten how to smile ... you put it back on my face.
No one had called me beautiful before you. No one had called me cute.
You put up with all my insecurities. You enjoyed my intelligence. We both knew I was potentially very ill and yet you found me interesting and attractive and wanted to spend time with me.
For a short while you wanted to spend your life with me. For a short while I was the happiest girl on the planet.
I wish when she decided we couldn't be a three anymore that she'd told me herself. Did I not deserve that?
I forgive you.
You are the best hypnotist on YouTube. You deserve all the popularity you receive. Many a time I listened with deep respect as you told me of the charitable things you did for others. I do not think you are a bad person.
Despite everything I still wish for your friendship. I might have another 50 years in me. I might only have another five. We still don't know. However long it is I don't want to leave this place without having made amends with you.
I'm sorry I had to write to you like this.
I still respect you.
I always will.
I hope that one day we can mend our bridges again.
Your little writer
