Dear Heroin,
I am writing you this letter to formally tell you goodbye. I was more loyal, faithful, dedicated and infatuated with you that I have ever been with anybody in my life. You were my first thought waking in the morning and my last one in bed at night. There was never a distance far enough to keep me from you. I have never had anybody who I knew I could always depend on.. somebody always there waiting to embrace me with open arms, no questions asked. With you I could be myself, it didn’t matter if I was at my best or my worst, you never looked at me differently. You never gave up on me or decided I wasn’t worth staying with. In your presence I had finally found everything I had ever wanted. Everything I had ever needed. Everything that little girl that I was all of those years back cried herself to sleep for. It was love at first sight. You had me captivated by your very essence and left me lingering for more. It amazed even me how fast you became the object of my affection. Suddenly nothing or nobody was as important to me as you… and if they were I was to lost in you for it to matter. The person I was and world as I knew it began to turn to grey and fade away. The passions, dreams, the pain, the loss and loneliness, and my memories and sense of belonging had become nothing but a hollow shell. I was comfortably numb… and honestly, I was okay with that. Addiction had taken the driver’s seat with me at it’s side.. a faithful and excited passenger. It was always a crazy ride with you.. a constant adrenaline rush… one might even call it chaos. Your driving was reckless and you definitely had a need for speed. Rules went out the window, the broken pieces of the one’s we loved we left behind us didn’t even seem to come to our attention. Lying, manipulating, stealing and coming up on anybody, any way that we could just seem to come with the territory. It wasn’t pre meditated or something that even needed to be given a second thought. It’s just what we did.. us against the world with no mercy. We never had to worry about the hurt, regret, the heartbreak or the longing for our family’s back in our lives… that was the best part. You were the cure. And the times they did start to sneak up on me, I knew that once I took that hit in all of that with melt away into you. You would comfort me with that warm embrace that only you had. I was head over heels in love with you. It was no longer simply a choice, I needed you. I needed you the same as I need air to breath. I physically hurt when you were not around. My body knew, and went through the shock of being without you. The kind of hurt I would not wish upon my worst enemy. The emptiness left after your visit was the kind that would keep you from finding any kind of rest or comfort no matter how hard you tried. You left a violent chill that would shake all the way down to my bones. The discomfort left me in bed thrashing around in a desperate attempt for some relief… only there was none to find. Til death did us part I knew that I needed you, and as long as I looked I would find you there waiting for me. But in the same sense that you were the sickness, I also knew that you were the cure. When I would find my way back to your arms I would fall back in your grips upon first touch. You would gently and delicately make your way in and overtake me with lust. Your warm caress would tingle through my body and just when I would be certain it couldn’t get any better.. you would blow my mind. We had passion. Intimacy. It was sensual… a kind of connection that nobody else could possibly understand. You made even death sound sweet, if I was spending my last moments with you. Talk about being blinded by love.. after everything I had given up for you.. all of the time I spent completely devoted to you… it was all based on a foundation of viscous lies. What is one to do when the very thing they loved so deeply was the one sucking the life out of them and leaving them for dead? You had never really loved me at all.. you came with a purpose and I was your puppet. The entire time I thought all of those long rides we had spent together had been to get away and get lost in one another. But you had something else in mind.. I was on the fast track for death and destruction. I was so naïve and careless to let myself get so caught up in the romance and thrill I had with you that I played your partner in the planning of my death. How could you be so cold and vindictive? It was not easy and is something I still have to work on everyday, but I want you to know I forgive you. Not for your sake, but mine… I refuse to let you rob me of one more second of my life and what I make of it. You were simply doing all that you know how to do… it was I who had the problem. I was addicted to you. Although I do still see you around in my dreams quite often, I know that what we had was no longer. You can’t lose what you never really had. A forbidden love never meant for a forever…. I pick up another piece of myself off the ground everyday. From pain comes wisdom and understanding.. thank you for the memories. Thank you even more for leaving me with no choice but to say goodbye. You made it easy. It feels good to get out of bed without you draped around me like shackles. So goodbye… I will not be seeing you around.
Love, Nicole- your former faithful companion
