To my best guy friend, that I fell in love with

Subject: To my best guy friend, that I fell in love with
From: The girl who will never be enough
Date: 6 Jun 2016

And there you were.

The most perfect combination of charisma, mystery, and bad news. It was the start of what would be the best and worst months of my life.

Okay now brace yourself, because this is going to be filled with lots and lots of rambling because to be honest, I don't know how I could ever put all of my thoughts and feelings toward you into words or sentences that make any sense at all.

Unfortunately, I am stuck in this zone until I decide to get on my feet and grow some balls and tell you how I feel and I do not mean the "hey, I like you." bullshit speech, I mean how I really feel. Until then I’m going to continue to go to hell and back trying to hide behind the friendship because you and I both know I do not want to lose it or risk losing it.

Thank you for being there at all hours of the day. Sometimes when it seems like no one cares, you always make a point to show that you do. I’m afraid to bother other people with my problems, but you’re always more than willing to talk to me. You rationalize everything I say and talk sense into me when I’m being ridiculous.

Thank you for encouraging me to step out of my comfort zone a time or two. It may take some persuasion and maybe even some bribing, but you always convince me to try new things.

Thanks for being an all around great person. I know it’s hard for you to let people in because of what you have been through, and even some of the scary shit you say, you haven't been anything but a great friend to me.

Thank you for never judging me. You don’t ever judge me for anything. You don’t lecture me on why I shouldn’t have done something, or guilt me for behaving in a way that was less than ideal. You accept me fully for the person that I am. For that, you’re my best friend and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thank you for being the best guy friend a girl could ever ask for.

Thank you for supporting me. You always encourage me to do what is right and to aim high. Nothing seems unreachable when I’m talking about it with you.

Thank you for your great taste in music. I’ve learned to appreciate new genres and artists all because you would force me to listen to them in the car. 

Everyday I wonder how you do it. I fight A LOT, I get sassy and have an attitude for no reason, I’m a pain in your ass, and I add a lot to your plate everyday, yet everyday that goes by we become closer. At least to me we do. Words can’t express how thankful I am. Having you around has helped me keep my shit together. You’re one of the reasons, if not the reason, I’m still sane and not a complete failure.

You’re the person that when everything and everyone is telling me to give up, you tell me why I shouldn’t give up. You encourage me to keep fighting until I have no more fight in me. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself.

Being with you is getting harder everyday because although I’m with you, I’m not with you. And the more time I spend with you, the more I want you to be mine. I’ve reached a stage where I want more…..I want more than mall adventures and journeys around town, I want naps and to watch random movies. I want to know what your lips would feel like on mine, that first instance they meet, and every time thereafter. I want to walk down the street or along the beach with your hand in mine.

There are so many things I like about you. And to list them out would only make it that much harder. It is impossible.

Most of the time, I'm a super chill girl that says it how it is. I'm straight up and honest with people when it comes to how I feel. I don't know what happened, but ever since you walked into my life, you completely changed the game for me. Obviously, by now, I have had many different experiences when it comes to having feelings for someone, but this is so different.

I've had my heart broken too many times for only a 17 year old, and that really sucks. I've started to guard my heart and built some walls to protect myself. But for some ungodly reason you slip through the cracks every time.

You may not like yourself all of the time, but I do. You talk down on yourself, but you don't even understand how much I value you in my life. We may have only known each other for a few months out of our lives, but I wish you would see how important you are to me. I believe that you have so much going for you and that you're going to go so far in your life. You're so stubborn, but the good type that will get you what you want in life. The plan to move out of the country. I just hope that maybe, just maybe, I could be there to witness that.

It's driving me crazy that I can't explain my feelings out of fear of pushing you away, but I know there's no pain worse than regretting not saying something.

So, overall, I want you to text me. I want you to be honest with me. Even if it's to tell me that you don't reciprocate those feelings, I want to know how you feel about me. Nothing left out, I just need something that proves to me that you're worth my time and effort. I can't take another heartbreak, and I pray that you won't be the next one.