To my baby who suddenly left my womb

Subject: To my baby who suddenly left my womb
Date: 8 Feb 2019

My baby, my sweetheart

You heard my yearning and found your way to me. Your tiny soul made this long journey and traveled a distance that I thought was beyond any reach. But you still came looking for me and against all odds you found me. You quietly resided in my womb for two weeks before I finally found out that you were there. But instead of giving you a secure home, I told you that you would have to leave soon. The thought of letting you go broke my heart. But my angel, you deserve the sun and the moon and all the shiny stars in the sky. So I wanted to send you back to a better place where you will be wanted more and loved more.

Please know my darling, that your Aai and Baba love you a lot. That’s what you would have called us if I had given birth to you.

I knew that both of us had very limited time together before I had to let you go. But I am so glad that we lived that time completely in each other’s company. Your Aai wanted to have the best memories with you in her tummy. It didn’t matter if this emotional attachment will result in unbearable pain after you were gone. I would never have sacrificed my precious few days with you just to protect myself from the future pain. For I knew that I will never ever see you again in my life. This was may be the most courageous thing I have done so far...to let myself grow so closely and fondly attached to you even though I knew what I was going to do to you.

My angel, do you remember the afternoon when it was snowing outside, and as we sat on the couch near the window, Aai softly sung a lullaby to you hoping that you could hear it. I loved cooking whatever my baby wanted. You were truly an Indian baby when it came to food. I loved cooking and eating for you, for I knew in my heart that all my cravings originated from you. Do you remember the night when I could not sleep for the longest time. So we listened to a bedtime story on my phone together. It was so calming and soft and we slept peacefully after that. One day I took you for a walk to the garden next to the statue of an angel. An angel just like you. I showed you the tree where Aai, Baba made a heart with their names engraved inside it. My love, I will add your name next to ours. And sweetheart, do you remember the day we went shopping to buy mittens for your tiny tiny hands that were not yet formed. With shaky and nervous hands, I picked up the softest one for you. Tears started running down my face as I was paying for them. The girl at the counter smiled at me thinking that they were tears of joy. But my baby, they were tears of deep sorrow because I knew that you would never be able to wear them.

Then one afternoon, after only seven days of being together, without any warning, you suddenly left me. You decided to bid me goodbye. It was as if you wanted to protect your Aai from doing something that would have tormented her for the rest of her life. Your kind soul didn’t want your Aai to go through the pain and guilt of terminating you. So you decided to leave on your own. I was shocked, devastated, heart broken and all alone. I wasn’t ready for it. I could never be ready for it. Even now, at this very moment, when I feel you trickle down from my body slowly, I feel empty. I feel you are taking my spirit along with you. I cut a piece of my heart to give it to you for your journey back. This hole will forever remind me of you... of the void that can never be filled. It will forever remind me of you, my love. My baby, please never forget the time we spent together.

This will haunt me for the rest of my life.

You will always remain my unfulfilled wish.

With all my love,

Your Aai

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