I just want you to know how despicable of a man you really are. For 3 years I have loved and cherished you, everything about you. Even your many many faults. I am the only person who has ever loved you without any expectations, and you took and took and took from me and then with no warning whatsoever, you just threw it away like it was nothing. And you did that for what? To return to a woman who does not love you, who has no passion or feeling for you, who is constantly interrogating you, who HITS you when she's angry, who never has and never will trust you. Not that it is right, but all of these things that you have always resented, you walked right back in to, and you just threw away someone who put you first, who went above and beyond to rebuild your self esteem, who ALWAYS made sure that you knew how much you were loved and cherished.
And you? What did you do? You professed your undying love. You bought me such sweet gifts, always hearts and diamonds. You, for 3 straight years always woke me 6 days a week with sweet good morning texts. You called me throughout the day just to check in on me and say hi. You made me feel like the most beautiful desirable woman in the world. You did sweet little things like bringing me coffee or tea and knowing exactly how I like it. You always held my hand in the car. You would pat the couch next to you and say "come", when you wanted to cuddle...which was all the time. At night you would keep your arms wrapped tightly around me and if I moved you would pull me closer. When you moved out and got your own place, you constantly called it "our home". On the first day there you decorated the bed with rose petals that spelled out "I Love You", and you had my favorite wine because you wanted to make a toast to our new home and new life. You had a sweet card professing your love and saying how you never wanted to take me for granted, and you had bought his and hers coffee mugs for us to have our evening coffee in. You called your father and told him all about me, and told him how good I was to you, how you loved that I got up with you at 3:40 every morning and cooked you a fresh breakfast and packed your lunch bag. You loved the little notes I would leave for you for no other reason than just to say how much I loved you. We were so excited to finally have our first real holiday together, a romantic trip to the mountains. We rang in the new year at midnight while making love in the giant jacuzzi tub full of bubbles in our room.
For three years, we loved, we hoped, we planned. But in the end, you were weak. You were not strong enough to overcome 27 years of mental and physical abuse. You continue to live in fear even now. You are right back into the same situation, with the same toxic person, interrogating you daily, treating you as a child who has virtually NO freedom at all except to go to work...and as soon as you get home you have to turn over your phone and belongings to be gone through. What kind of a life is that? And in choosing that, you completely broke my heart, you broke my soul. How you could sit and kiss me and hold me and say how much you love me as you are leaving to have dinner with your kids, and then 4 hours later you are just gone? Gone from my life without so much as a warning, let alone an I'm sorry or any explanation. And now you expect me to just get over it and move on with my life? Let me explain something. When you love someone the way that I love you, it doesn't work that way. How do you expect me to just get over it when it hurts so much to be without you. I ache right to the center of my very being. It hurts just to breathe. My heart literally hurts all the time, not just metaphorically but physically as well. Just google broken heart syndrome and maybe you will understand.
You see, for me loving didn't come easily, but once it did it was like the flood gates were opened. I had never felt so much for a person....never. And now it's just gone in the blink of an eye. I can't bear to even think about getting out of bed anymore. I am mentally and physically beyond exhausted. I have cried for weeks. I cry day and night, I'm afraid to even leave my house anymore...so I just don't. I can't even stomach the thought of food. Just looking at it makes me ill. It's almost like there is a cancer eating away at me and it has your name all over it.
We've never even discussed any of it since that horrible night, so I guess this is the proverbial "how could you do this" conversation. And that really is what I want to know. How do you spend 3 years of someone's life lying to them, making them believe in a life that doesn't even exist? How do you lay down your head at night knowing that you have destroyed the only good thing someone had in their life? How do you exist knowing that you threw away the one and only person who stood by your side no matter what, no matter how bad? How do you sit there and act like it doesn't bother you that you meant so much, that the loss of you is so unbearable that the woman who loved you beyond all reason, the woman you made believe was your soul mate...how can it not bother you that now she has been reduced to a shell of the person she once was. That now the only thing she prays for is not for you to come back, but instead to be able to just drift away and not wake up again because the pain is just too much. Is your heart and soul really that black? Are you that damaged? You were safe with me. You were loved. You were adored. You were appreciated. You were desired.
Here's the saddest part of all. No matter what you've done, no matter how badly you've damaged me...I still love you. I always will. You have left a void in my heart that no other man will ever be able to fill. And instead of hating you for hurting me...I hate myself for allowing myself to love, but I will not make that mistake again...
Mark my words, one day you are going to wake up and realize what you gave up. You are going to realize what you had was a good thing and that you sacrificed it out of fear of the unknown. I just hope for your sake that you don't wait until it's too late...that I will have completely given up and finally closed my heart off for good, or that my prayers will have finally been answered.
And....how ironic, that I wrote these words this morning but internet went down so wasn't able to post, and then the news that came from my doctors this afternoon seems like I must've had a premonition of sorts.
