Dear Dad,
Do you remember when I was your little girl & the bond we had when I was a child? Those evenings we spent in the shed with me on your hip, dancing & singing to the song 'People Are Crazy by Billy Currington.' All those times I sat on your lap in that little blue Neon car & I steered while you hit the gas. All those times we walked down the alley to go to the gas station to buy Hubba Bubba gum & the green apple squeeze candy. The old days when you were a construction worker & we were all a big happy family. You weren't a drunk, & mom wasn't a drug addict.
Now I'm 16 & broken. I was 8 years old when you broke my heart into pieces. The very first time you touched me, you took my innocence. You stole my dignity & my trust. Now every time a man touches me, it feels like I'm covered with snakes. I can't trust another man because of you. I can barely look you in the face & call you 'dad' anymore. I could see the guilt in your eyes every time I looked at you. Those eyes made me unable to tell anyone what you did. They just had that look that said you'd kill me if I ever told anyone. I thought it was ok because it was 'our little secret' & 'no one had to know.' Your eyes told everyone else that you were innocent. All the times you came into my room & shut off my light & shushed me when I made a sound. All the times I had to cough or move around in my bed & lie awake all night so you knew I was awake & couldn't touch me. It hurts to know that my own father would do such a thing to his little girl. I think the thing what fucks me up the most is how I was supposed to be your little girl. You were supposed to be the man to protect me from harm, not inflict it. I was supposed to look up to you & come to you when I went through a break up or some little boy picked on me in school. You were supposed to be my go to, not the person I run away from.
It took me 8 years to confess what you did to me. I can't sleep in the dark because every time I turn off the light, I'm paranoid that you'll come in my room & touch me like you did countless times before. One stupid decision you made has created a million issues for me. I'll never have kids because I don't want them to go through the same thing I went through for years. Because of what you did, I'll never have any self esteem. I'll always have depression, anxiety, & PTSD. I'll never be myself ever again. You stole everything from me. The worst part is though, I don't & can't hate you. You'll always be my dad & that fucks me up as well.
All I wanted in life was to have normal parents. I just want you to know that you broke my soul, heart, & well being. Because of you, I am broken.
Love, Maddie
