In all honesty, I hadn't stop thinking about this man since I met him 6 years ago. I will refer to him as Mr. B.
I knew it was wrong. But I felt a connection I hadn't felt in years. He felt the same for me. The "where have you been all my life" question came up during many of our conversations.
He spoke of his discontent with his marriage. A wife who was a stay at home mom but did not do what a wife or mom was supposed to do. She didn't clean the house, the cleaning lady came once a week. She didn't cook, rather she'd have one of the kids call him to pick up food on his way home. She was not interested in any outdoor activities. And most importantly no longer interested in sex. She wasn't affectionate and didn't want to be touched. There was no physical contact. Not even a kiss goodbye when he left for work. Or a kiss hello how was your day when he came home from work. Perhaps this was a lie. But why would he lie? He didn't seem like the man who would lie just to get attention from another woman. He was a reputable business owner, a great father to his sons, and a great son to his aging parents.
Yes, It started just as sex. But months turned to years. Then it was no longer just sex. We fell in love. He would call and text me a few times a day to tell me he was thinking of me. I wanted him. I thought about him constantly. Even though I wanted to provide for him what was missing in his marriage, I never asked him to leave her. I only wanted him to spend time with me and appreciate our relationship. He came to see me once a week. We kept it as discreet as possible. During the course of 6 years, we went out to dinner less than a handful of times. We never went on vacation and we've never slept overnight. He gave me the time he could give me, up to 3 hours, on occasion, but never less than one hour. The time we spent was meaningful. It was respectful. It was nice and sweet. It was loving and affectionate. The passion was indescribable. The love making was top notch. I adored this man. We had similar interests. We talked about family, his kids, his parents, my parents, current events, my day at work and his day at work, my workout, my body pains, his aches and pains. We looked at the full moon. He shared with me the sadness he felt about his mother's condition. When he called to tell me about his brother who passed away. How I wanted to hold him and comfort him while he cried. We also joked. We made each other laugh. I loved hearing him laugh. How I could see the laughter on his face even when talking to him on the phone. I loved it when I was able to make his day. It made my day.
The only time I felt different was when he went on family vacations. I started to feel "pouty" about 4 yrs into the relationship. I felt that if he was unhappy with his wife, how can he go on vacations with her. He assured me that there was nothing going on. They were not intimate and they hadn't been in years. And that she was coming along on vacations like as if she were a piece of luggage.
He told me to always remember that he loved me. Very much. He would see me before he left on his vacation and see me as soon as he came back. He would call and text whenever he could. I knew he loved me. I had no doubt.
The years went on and he expressed more and more that he could not live the way he's living at home for the rest of his life. The kids got older and I figured he's just waiting for his youngest son to finish high school to say something to his wife. All the while, however, he would tell me that his wife was aware that he wasn't happy. She doesn't ask how his day was. Or if there was anything she could do for him. His life became so much of a routine that he got used to it. He picked up his own grocery, cooked for his kids, dropped off and picked up his dry cleaning, and pretty much lived a life of what he didn't expect in a marriage.
I believed everything he told me. We would not have lasted this long if I didn't. I had faith in him. I adored him. I believed he loved me. He told me I was his best friend. We promised each other that we will take this to our graves. I did not tell anybody about our relationship. People asked me often why I didn't have a boyfriend. If only they knew I was already in love.
However, I wanted more. I was feeling lonely. He went home to his wife every night while I slept alone. I was loyal and devoted to him. I never sought comfort from another man despite of my loneliness. He made me happy when we were together. But I always felt sad every time he left to say goodnight. And just for the record, I never asked him to leave his wife.
On or about February of the 6th year, I hit a bump on the road. I met someone that occupied my time for a short period of time. I severed that distraction without hesitation. It was so short that the time I was distracted was inconsequential
Meanwhile, I tried to rekindle the flame with Mr. He was distant and told me that he felt sick just the thought of me with another man. How could he feel this way when he slept in the same bed with his wife. He insisted it wasn't the same because he and his wife were not intimate. Nevertheless, We continued to text and talked daily. I waited until he was ready for me. I saw him a few times but we were still not intimate. I wanted him. I told him I never stopped loving him and he knew it. Before he left for his vacation, he told me that he was ready. He told me to remember that he loved me very much. We kissed.
He sent me flowers for my birthday and called me to tell me he loved me. Despite of the effort I still felt pouty. I was having that green eyed monster moment while he was vacationing. He assured me that he loved me very much and missed me and that he will see me as soon as he got back.
I called him and texted disregarding his instructions not to. I wanted him to know what I was feeling. He called and told me his wife saw my text and ask me to not call or text until he came back.
I didn't hear from him until he came back on Sunday evening . He came to my house to tell me he told his wife everything. He was angry with me for texting and calling. He felt that I wanted this to happen. This meaning to have his wife find out. I told him that was not true. I asked him why he told his wife. He said he could not lie anymore.
I asked him what he told her. All he could say was everything. I had questions. Many questions. Did I need to worry about her knocking on my door or calling my work and causing problems for me. He said no. He only asked that I don't call or text him. He said he needed to work on this on his own.
I couldn't stay away. I called on his birthday to greet him and tell him I loved him. He said he wasn't doing well. He felt sick to his stomach and things were not good at home. He said he was shattered. He hadn't slept. I was sorry and wished I could hold him.
We were on the phone only for a few minutes. I had questions. Did he tell his wife because he wanted to end our relationship? Did he tell his wife because he wanted to work on his marriage? Did he promise her that he will stop seeing me to gain her trust again? Did she give him an ultimatum?
I never asked him to leave her. I only wanted him to be honest with me. I guess my mistake was I hoped.
I'm angry, I'm hurt. He's a coward. He knew how admitting to his wife would devastate her. He wanted to rid himself of the guilt and the lies regardless of what this would do to his wife. A selfless man became selfish this time.
Perhaps by telling her would make it easier to be forgiven. Maybe she will forgive him. Maybe they will work towards reconnecting their marriage. Because they had history and children. But his life will never be the same again.
But why can't he cut me loose right now? He claims he needs time. Time for what? Time to think if he wants to make his marriage work and meanwhile keep me in the bullpen? Yet he still tells me he loves me.
Yes, he loves me....