It's twisted, in the least dramatic sense, I know- being so deeply and somehow, effortlessly spun into a "web" with someone who poisons you, cripples you, derails your value and self-worth- intoxicating you with their violent spews of hatred and repetitive cycles of pseudo tears and drunken apologies. Although, the unhealthy cycle of abuse and need for "power" and dominance is constant and never-ending, I'm afraid, in irrationally egocentric personalities, the victim forgives her abuser over and over again.
She will do anything to savor the parasitic relationship, because as sickening as it is, the victim becomes addicted, in a sense, to his abusive tics and behaviors. Consequently, as afraid as she truly is of her abuser, the only thing that terrifies her more is losing him. Ironic, isn't it? Because of our delusion of who this person was, or verbally built himself up to be, at least, before unleashing his merciless physical and mental states of abuse, we, as "victims," suffer from a skewed perception of him as a person. His immense level of entitlement and narcism is, in truth, only a mask that he armors in a vigorous attempt to conceal his truest self from the outside world, while underneath, he feels as small and powerless as his victim, although he doesn't want the world to notice that. As an abuser, he cannot risk publicly exposing his weak spot. Which is precisely why he is an abuser. How would I know? Simple. Because I have, sadly, experienced the same incompetence and mental incapacity of my own abuser. I never saw him as one though, until I was no longer with him.
During my 3+ year "relationship," I was subjected to physical harm and the casual cruelties of mental abuse- abuse that only seemed to present itself to me and no one else- abuse that seemed to have stemmed from a childhood of resentment, unhappiness, and unmet emotional needs. But because of my pure love for him and kind heart, I stupidly let it go on, not knowing what would happen to me in the process. I made excuses for him over and over again to his family and mine. Walking solely on eggshells, I prayed for him constantly, I did everything that he asked of me and only served to please him. Writing it all out now seems so surreal to me; because I never thought that I would have the daily and nightly strength to truly leave him once and for all. Because of how unsure of myself he wanted me to believe that I was, I ultimately became that way.
That was my biggest downfall during the relationship, I think- that I lost myself wholly. I became someone whom I could no longer recognize- timid, scared, confused, lost, fragile, and ashamed. Ashamed that I gave another person enough power to permanently damage my rare heart. I still cannot understand why I stayed with him for so long. But I do know that the undying cycle of abuse is not a pretty one. For the victim or the abuser. It will unravel the worst parts of you and cause serious destruction to your sense of self and inner peace. For me, I spent three years- three years of my life, blindly, letting my abuser utterly destroy me, wreck my heart, weaken my mind, and break my spirit. The only ounce of semblance that kept me going day by day was my sweet girl. Her smiles, her laughs, her "mama's," her pure, beautiful heart.
She is my warm sun on a cold, rainy day. The most precious, God-perfected, angelic, smart, sweet, beautiful thing to ever grace this undeserving earth. Two imperfect halves of one precious, perfect whole. She is the truest definition of love, itself; and is loved by me more than words. And it is for her, and her alone, that I put everything else in this world aside to do all that I know, is right by her.
She is my heart and my soul. My whole life. My whole world. My every single thing. Because of her, and her truest Creator- our Lord and Savior- the One who sees me in all of my deepest, darkest, desperation, but still pulls me out of my sadness and then pulls my heart strings, the One who still answers my most desperate and heart-wrenching prayers, the One who still loves me even when it seems like no one does, and the One who never lets me truly lose myself, because no mater where I am, he is, too, because of Him, I am strong and even more brave when it comes to my sweet child. She is my reason for living, my reason for fighting, my hope, my smile, my laugh, my strength, my happy tears, my peace, my heart. She is my precious Chloe girl. For her, I will never let those measly moments destroy me. I will never let them tear me down- the way one boy whom I used to love with every single hidden corner of my fragile, untouched heart and soul, tried to do. I will never let that make me a victim.
I will continue to be strong and brave for my precious girl, no matter how difficult the circumstances. I will never stop fighting to be her favorite role model and her biggest supporter and protector. I love her more than this life. More than this world. More than me. More than anything. So, no matter what endeavors (good or bad) that I have been forced to push through and will continue to push through, I know that I will continue to rise for her, no matter how much I may be knocked down, in the meantime. As a mother, I will always, always, always, fight for, defend, protect, and pray for the sweet sake of my sweet girl. It is not just my duty and honor, but my privilege and blessing.
