Letter to the child I never had
I don't think I've ever run as fast in heels as the day when I found out you were inside of me. The first test read positive but the control line hadnt turned blue yet, so that meant the test was faulty right? No. The test wasn't faulty, and neither was the next one I did in my friend's toilet 30 minutes later. I was pregnant.
I didn't know how I felt at first, I kept turning the test over thinking it would say something different. That this was all some big joke somehow. But it wasn't. I could have looked after you better when you were inside me, you really didn't like alcohol and let me know it every morning after I'd been drinking. I'm sorry for that. But drinking let me forget what I knew I would have to do.
Your dad was good for me, he helped a lot and comforted me when I needed it. He says he would have left of I kept you but I don't think he would have stayed away for long. He claims he doesn't like children but I think it's a bit of a tough guy act.
But I wasn't ready for you, I wish I was but I wasn't. I think it was better this way, I would never have been able to give you the life you would have deserved and I think having you grow up to hate me would hurt more.
I think about you a lot. A lot more than anyone would know. I think about you when I see baby clothes, when I see my brothers (your uncles) playing with babies, sometimes just when I look at your dad and picture him playing on the floor with you.
You would have been born on the 30th of July this year, meaning you would be 4 months old now. You'd be smiling and laughing. I'm sad that I will never get to see that smile.
I don't know your gender and I regret that. I want to be able to tell your little brother or sister about you one day. Maybe I'll try to find out whether you were a girl or boy.
I don't know what my reason was for writing this letter, maybe to make myself feel less guilty. I took your life for selfish reasons and for that I'm very sorry, maybe one day we'll meet in heaven and I can tell you that. God better be taking special care of you, or theres going to be hell when I get there.
You will never be forgotten, and you will never be replaced. One day when my future children are old enough I will tell them about you. Tell them how I felt your heartbeat and kick only once but I treasure that feeling, it was almost as if you were saying goodbye to me.
So maybe that's what this is, a goodbye letter.
Goodbye my unborn child, I hope you can understand that I just wasn't ready for you xxxx
