A Letter To My Therapist

Subject: A Letter To My Therapist
From: Vrinda Gupta
Date: 16 Mar 2020

Hey T!

Remember the time when you asked me if I could imagine a safe space and I said that I am not sure, what is it supposed to feel like? I think I may know now. Thanks for putting it on the map for me, so that I can navigate my way to it whenever I am in need of one. I didn’t even know I was missing one, until that one session when I did. I had no idea that acknowledging something, you didn’t even know you’re in denial of could break you down like that. Even though I do not like to revisit that moment, yet I am glad it happened because it was in that moment of vulnerability when I first felt like I could trust you. You know me well enough to know that for me, to trust or not to trust, that is the question, but I am learning to trust you. Even when the sessions get tough and life starts to feel far out of my comfort zone and I feel trapped in the very energy that I was trying to dispel, I have trusted you to help me reach the better side.

That isn’t to say that I don’t try to keep things from you. I do sometimes, because it feels like if I put it out there ill make it more real and give it the power to take over me but thanks for not letting me get away with it and making me realize that bottling it all in is what gives it the real power to blow me up. Thanks for reaching out to me even though I constantly kept building walls around myself.

I may not immediately put to practice everything that we talk about in sessions but I hold it all inside of me, hoping it would eventually get imprinted on my psyche. You know the biggest change that I have seen in myself is the fact that I have been allowing myself to really acknowledge how I feel and then sit with it and maybe you were right, maybe emotions aren’t scary and maybe we’re allowed to experience them raw.

Thanks for holding in place the fragile sense of self that I have and helping me make better sense of the reasons behind its fragility so that we can fix it. Like the one time when you told me that maybe I haven’t processed large parts of my life experiences, it made me wonder what if all these experiences took away with themselves, a piece of me without me even realizing it, and the void kept getting bigger with time and that’s how I ended up feeling this hollow inside. Also, thanks for telling me that I don’t have to process any of it alone and you are there for me and we are going to sit through it together. You once said that everyone who walks into this room has a history, thanks for helping me become aware of mine.

Do you want in on a secret? Every time you show concern for me, I feel on the top of the world because I feel cared for and then suddenly I hit rock bottom, because I feel very scared that I’ll do something or say something that’ll make me lose you, and then I go into this zone where I start to prepare myself for the inevitable and distance myself from you so that when you leave it hurts less. I know I can be annoying at times and I can be too needy and maybe all your progress notes are just lack of progress notes at this point, but please don’t leave me because I don’t know what I’d do without you.

You’re da best,