Dear Coffee,
When me and daddy got you, we had no idea the love we found that day. We adopted you Christmas Eve, and you were the nippiest, loudest hound dog ever! Your name suited you a little too well, and if whoever named you hadn't given you your name, daddy and I would have.
Daddy's in the military. I'm not sure you quite understood that, but he loved you, and I too, very much. Even though he was gone all day and for months at a time, he could not wait to be home with you again. You were so dear to him, and you two could not stop rough housing with each other no matter how much I insisted you be trained first.
While daddy was gone, you and I had so much bonding time. You were my boy, my baby, my best bud. You made me so angry when you'd chew on everything that your teeth and nose could find, you made me so overwhelmed when you'd cry all night to be in bed with me, you stressed me beyond all compare when I realized you had that dumb Pike disease where you'd want to eat EVERY inedible object. Yet, you grew me. You challenged me like no other. You prepared me for motherhood. You taught me how important it is to work toward something. You showed me so much about myself, and every day I became more and more beautifully ready for what the future has for me all because of you.
That first time you got sick I discovered what its like to be completely so out of control, and the pain to watch you suffer was something I'd never experienced before in anyone else. The next time you were sick it was even harder, and the next time that Pike got the best of you, it was not easy then either.
I worried all the time for you, I was so paranoid you'd unknowingly get into something that would really hurt you, and as stressed and anxious and alert as I always was, you were such a good, loving dog.
Every time I'd return home from a long night, you'd jump up and hug me close in your puppy paws and legs, and I have to tell you that I lived for those moments! I'd even get offended if for some reason I didn't get that hug from you like I always was supposed to. Every time I'd think about daddy and miss him and I'd sink to the floor in my pain and depression, you would come right up and lick me and try to get me to play with you. You kept me moving, you motivated me every day to get out of bed, you made me laugh and gave me the purest kind of company. As I struggled to establish my alpha position with you, you grew me up on so many deep levels.
You were always there when I needed a push, always there when I needed to get back on my feet, always there to improve my character, always there to give me a challenge or a lesson learned.
All our trips to the beach, the daily walks, the joy that showed through every ounce of your body when I'd give you your special treats, and all of our endless cuddle times kept me so sane and deeply comforted. Those defining moments with you replay in my mind over and over every day that you are gone.
You went from being our new puppy to our boy. You went from being our dear pet to the one who put together our pack. You went from being an immensely difficult challenge to one of the greatest blessings of my life so far. You probably saved my life when my depression reached its darkest and rawest of times, and I am so glad to have had you as my baby. Keeping things out of my future child's mouth will be easier than second nature, and baby/ toddler proofing everything 24/7 will be the most normal of all experiences thanks to you.
I mourn that you will not meet our future pack members when they are born, I mourn all those days you would have been so gentle and good with them. I mourn the play dates you will never have with each other. I mourn everything I used to do with you that I no longer can. But mourning is yet another challenge that you have given to me and I accept this final challenge of yours with everything in me.
Thank you for introducing me to my next door neighbor. You knew I'd need her when you were gone, and it was in those moments when her and I were bonding and getting to know each other that I blindly was preparing to go through the hardest of all challenges in continuing on without you. She showed me her guinea pigs, and while I planned to add to our pack, I was unknowingly making future plans to have others to turn to when I wouldn't have you.
The last time you got sick, that dear, sweet friend you introduced to me was there to keep me at ease before we knew what would happen. We played a coffee game and drank coffee as we tended to you. Yet I had no idea what was coming. After she left and I'd taken you upstairs for our last cuddle, and as seconds later I had you dying in my arms, my life was forever scarred at the loss of such an endearing friend. So many came to my rescue while daddy was gone, and they helped me through the agonizing pain of your loss, and they helped me get better again. But Im sorry. I dont care how many growing challenges you gave to me, how many needed lessons you taught me, how many good moments we had together- I will never be okay with your leaving me like that. I will always be upset with it, and yes I will always blame myself. But I couldn't stop your Pike from one day claiming you. If it weren't that day it would have been so many anxiety filled days later that you would have been taken. God took you in His arms sooner than I wanted but it was in your final and long overdue peace that was what gave me my peace.
I miss you every day, I think of you every day, and I check on your grave sight as often as I can. There are three flower pots I placed for you under that willow tree, and the tree's mothering tendrils embrace you in such a welcoming and lively way.
Thank you for helping me through the times that I couldn't have carried on if I hadn't had you. Thank you for angering me, thank you for stressing me, thank you for teaching me that when you love someone so much you will move the earth to make sure that they have all their needs met. You taught me love, and after all my worried days and nights with you, you showed me how to have peace. Your free spirit brought to me liberation. Your life had so many purposes, and every single one of them was fulfilled.
Daddy will be home in a few months, and he will be sad without you, but thanks to you, I will take care of him in all the same ways you and I took care of each other. You will always be a member of our pack, and you will always live on just as if you were right here beside us.
Sometimes life isn't fair, but no matter what craziness comes our way, you prepared me for the heavier storms in so many tryingly, incomparable ways. I love you, Coffee. Although walks aren't the same, I will continue walking. Except this time, no more leashes, no more things holding me back. And when I can run again, liberated and even more restriction free than the last time, you'll have taught me even more than you have now. Have a good time up there.
I love you, my boy
Your play mate and, yes, still your alpha,
mommy
