Before you I always thought missing someone was the worst pain someone could feel. But once you left, I realized missing someone hurts but knowing you’re not being missed by someone you can barely breathe without, kills you.
June 20th was the day I met you. You asked me on a date to dinner and a movie. I will never forget that night because it was perfect, almost too perfect. I was the happiest girl ever when I was with you. Everyday we would happen to be together. We became best friends who could tell each other everything, and soon girlfriend and boyfriend. We were dating for about 3 weeks, when I got asked by you and your family to go on vacation with you. 10 days on your houseboat at Lake Cumberland, Kentucky. We were inseparable. From sunrise to dusk, we were side by side. Every morning I would wake up from the smell of breakfast you were making me. During the day we would go on boat rides, jet ski adventures and water surfing. At night I would fall asleep by you rubbing my back and running your fingers through my hair. Our relationship was too good to be true, I would think to myself sometimes. Everything was good, we were happy. Well… I was happy.
There was something so special about you in the beginning. You were rare but time revealed the most honest parts of you, and it turns out everything about you was a lie. You were just like the others. You always told me you were different and not like other boys. You said you were thoughtful, caring and loveable. You were far from those definitions. Thoughtful couldn’t even fit in a description to describe you. Caring? You walked out my life, laughing at the fact I was hurt and in pain. Loveable, yes you were loveable. I loved a lot about you. But love can be painful, and you showed me that. You built up this amazing relationship with me, just to leave me alone in tears crying over someone who didn’t even find time to consider me. You filled the empty parts of my heart with love, joy and happiness. Everything I was missing you gave me. Now I have nothing but a broken heart, sadness and insecurity. You pushed me away, ignored me and left. As simple as leaving was for you, it broke me. Realizing that everything we did together meant nothing, put a hole in my heart.
Long walks in 90 degree weather as we would wipe our hands on our shirts because they were sweaty from holding each other's hands. Ordering a pizza, staying up late watching movie after movie. Driving down to Yellow Springs to go on a hiking trip with my family. It was beautiful and peaceful being with you in the middle of the woods with nothing but sounds of birds chirping and the soothing sound of water running down creeks...until we got lost. An hour of walking in circles trying to find our way back to a path. We laughed so hard we had tears running down our faces. We didn’t care we were lost, because we were lost together, so it didn’t matter. We went to the Ohio State fair and rode a ride that flew us up into the air as it would spin. We held eachothers hands so tight, screaming at the top of our lungs, hoping we wouldn’t die. But it didn’t matter because we’d die together. At Lake Cumberland we would lay out on the deck of the houseboat tanning, baking in the sun, only to jump off the boat together into the refreshing cold water. We would stay up late playing solitaire because I was determined to beat you. You would let me win once every night because you were finally tired enough to go to bed. You would take me on jet ski rides around the lake to show me beautiful, secret coves only you knew about. The biggest memory of all was you and I jumping off a 45 foot tall waterfall. We had to climb up a steep wet rope to get to the top. Once we reached the top of the waterfall I told you I was afraid of heights. You looked at me, leaned in and kissed me. You looked straight into my eyes and told me “It’ll be okay, i’m right by your side, you don’t have to worry”. You were right. I didn’t have to worry. You were right by me through it all, but only then you were there for me.
We had so many memories that I couldn’t comprehend how you could just leave and simply not care. You were only meant to be temporary and I wish I knew that before I spoke you into my future. Moving on is very hard to do, trying to forget about you is honestly impossible, trying to forget the things we did, and what we went through. How does anybody ever do that? I can’t. Why can’t I get you out of my head? Why can’t I just have a delete button and be able to press it so I can make the memories with you disappear? Every time I feel like i’m going to be happy again, I start thinking about us, I start thinking about how you made me feel. I just don’t get it. How do you come into someone’s life, make them love you, and leave without ever looking back?
This pain… this pain hurts like hell, every minute of everyday, and sometimes the things I do to numb the pain, causes more pain. It sucks that the one person who always made me feel better was also the one reason I always cried. The heart takes too long to figure out what the mind already knows. I hate that. I know we are over and how you have changed into a person I will never want to be with. On the other hand my heart hasn’t realized that and it will need a lot of time to heal. I was more in love with who I thought you were, and I hated who you turned out to be, hoping the version of you who cared for me would return. I hope time from now you stumble across me when I’ve grown and moved on from you, and finally then after seeing me for all the time, it’ll break your own heart. I stayed longer than I should have because it hurt to watch something I love transform into something I hate. I sat and waited for you to return to your original state, in denial I ignored the fact that what I see was always there and what is now, will always be.
