I’m almost positive you’ll never actually read this. But I need to write it anyway. For myself and my own well-being.
I've written this over and over and I'm sure even still I'll leave so much out.
Trust is a hard thing to grasp, especially in my case. So I guess that makes you something special, cause I put every ounce of my trust into you. At one point. We weren't the average “freshman fling”. We changed each other. Made each other better, in a way. We had something that, at the time, was unbreakable, incredible, unforgettable...
There's so much I need to tell you, though I fear I'll leave more out than I'll include. First of all. I want to say thank you. Thank you for giving up time with your friends to be with me 24/7, even though I never asked for it. Thank you for showing me I was capable of loving someone other than myself, and for loving me when I couldn't. Thanks for being the only person I could tell everything to and thank you for actually listening and trying to understand. Thank you for not letting me face my problems alone, but instead considering them your own and holding my hand through it all. I know how hard it became to stay, but you didn't show it, so thank you. Thank you for ignoring what people said about me and Thank you for giving me the chance I didn't think I deserved. Thank you for showing me I wasn't as worthless as I thought. Thank you for helping me overcome the loads of depression I was in. And now that we aren't together I can thank you for teaching me how I'm supposed to treat the person I'm with.
Second of all. I'm sorry. Now I know that the word “sorry” only goes so far and that it doesn't fix everything but there's not much more I can say other than, I'm so, terribly sorry. I'm sorry I took your kindness & forgiveness for granted. I'm sorry I didn't say “thank you” more than I did. I'm sorry for each time I pulled away when you tried to kiss me. I'm sorry for all the lies I told you, I promise they weren't said to hurt you if anything they were said because I couldn’t face you, and the hurt it would have caused. I'm sorry for the betrayal. I'm sorry for thinking I was too good for our relationship and even more than that I’m sorry for leaving you without an explanation. I'm sorry for every night you laid on your bathroom floor, throwing up because your stomach couldn't handle the pain, and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through that, if I could change it I would’ve been there for you like I should have. And more than everything, I apologize for making it seem like it was your fault. I'm sorry for shifting all the blame on you when I could have prevented the damage from happening in the first place.
Now there’s something about the very first person you fall “in love” with. It's like, no matter what happens in life. No matter how far you stray from them, or who you bring into your life to try and forget about them. All paths lead back to the first person you ever loved. No matter what you tell yourself, or how convinced you are that you’re over the situation, that person will always be the first thing on your mind in the morning, and the last thing you think about before bed.
It’s like, I can go days without being upset, then I’ll decide to take a trip to Walmart to get Oreos and on the way there I pass your Jeep. “Maybe it’s not him”, I think to myself. Though, I can’t keep myself from looking in my rear view mirror to see if it has the Jeep wave tire cover on the back. And when it does, the feeling is unbearable. Butterflies, and not the good kind. The kind of butterflies that cause your tummy to turn upside down. That's terrifying because what if that never goes away? What if I get a sick feeling each time I see you? The first person you fall in love with is someone that will have a lasting impact on you, your life, your views on relationships and everything after that. Your first love is something pure, real and unforgettable no matter what.
“What's meant to be will be”, you’ve said this to me so many times. Though that’s the biggest load of crap I've ever heard. In a relationship, you must work for what you want. How is something supposed to happen when you make sure it doesn't by giving the chances to coincidence? I understand that I don't have much room saying anything but it goes through my head constantly. What's meant to be will be what you make it. If you want something you must fight for it. Never give up on it. I didn't know this last year, though I do now.
You've caused more pain than you know in these past few months. And for a while, I was okay with it because I thought I deserved it. I let you use me. I knew it was what you were doing but I didn't put a stop to it because the simple feeling of having you back was all I cared about. You swear up and down that using me wasn't your intentions but that’s exactly how it went. What’s crazy though, is even though you've done so much to destroy me, and to tear me down, is if you were to come back right now, there’d be no question about it. I'd forget everything and forgive all. If only you knew about the countless, sleepless nights, crying until I just couldn't anymore, calling out of work simply because I just couldn't focus on anything but the pain I was enduring, taking on bad habits, doing what I could to forget your existence. Pushing away friends, family, and guys who tried to break down my walls. Everything I did to you, you've now done to me. If that's your way of “payback” or making sure I get my karma. Then do as you please, I'll take what you throw at me. If it makes you feel any better.
I've been writing this for three weeks now. Off and on. Some days it was too much to handle. I couldn't sit down and rehash our past onto paper without tearing up. Other days I just had nothing to write. Nothing came to mind. So now as I write these last words, I cut myself off. From writing, from thinking about it, from the memories, from the tears. I cut myself off from missing everything, and from the sickening butterflies. I cut myself off from you.
Addressed to my past. A bitter-sweet, more or less, piece of perfection I'll never forget.
~Yours truly, the very first girl you ever loved.
