Just In Case One Day I'm Not Here

Subject: Just In Case One Day I'm Not Here
From: Maddie Hohnstreiter
Date: 30 Sep 2018

Dear Everyone, 9/30/18
2:20 am
This letter goes out to everyone in my life who made me or broke me. I'm writing this letter just in case my thoughts become too much one day, & I'm gone forever.

Mom, you were never there but I can't hate you for it. No matter how much pain you put me through mentally, or physically, i'll always love you because you're my mother. I knew the drugs & alcohol consumed you way before you knew it yourself. I'm only 16 years old & I knew that when I was 6. If one day, I'm not here, I just want you to know that it's not your fault. I just have this feeling that one day I'm going to pass away & you won't know or you'll get the news & be perfectly fine that you have one less kid to worry about. I just feel like you won't care because you'll be too strung out or drunk to realize that your daughter is gone forever. No matter what happens, I love you.

Dad, you were always there for me but you broke my heart before anyone else could. I was supposed to be your little princess, the one I cried to when a guy broke my heart, the one who would let me help you work on cars, the one who walked me down the aisle at my wedding, the one who danced with me at the father & daughter dance, but no, I never got that from you. The only thing I got from you was a future of eternal PTSD & depression from all the times you would touch me in my sleep & wherever we went. I can't even count how many times I stayed awake praying to God that you wouldn't come in my room. You have completely erased the thought that there were any good men in the world. I don't want kids because of you. I don't want to be with anyone because I don't want them to meet you. I was embarrassed to have friends over because I was terrified that you'd touch them too. You completely brainwashed me into thinking that what you did to me for 8 years was ok. As fucked up as it sounds, I can't hate you for it. I don't know why, maybe because all the clothes & shit you bought me made up for it. Maybe someone did the same thing to you when you were a kid. Maybe that's why you grew up backwards. I'm not sure. It's fucked up. The only thing I want you to know is, I love you & it's not your fault. Thank you for being there for me.

Gram, I could never thank you for all the shit you've done for me & how much love & support you've shown me. We've been through a lot together, including the back & forth screaming & cussing, to the laughing & smiles. I'll always love you. You made me into the person I am today & I couldn't have asked for a better Grandma. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Siblings, there's 8 of you guys but I want to thank all of you for being there for me. Thank you for being annoying as hell & loving as i'll get out. I'd what I would do without all of you. We never got along the best but no matter what, you guys are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love all of you with all my heart.

Aunts & Uncles, thank you guys for everything. I love all of you.

Bobbie Jo, you're the strongest girl I know & I know you'll never forget about me because of all the shit we've been through. You're like a sister to me. You always tried to help me through my problems & fix them but no one could've saved me from myself no matter who they were. You've always accepted me for who I truly was & I mean that. I knew from the beginning that I could always count on you for anything & everything & to be honest, I couldn't have asked for a better best friend. I know that when I'm gone, you'll tell your kids about all the fucked up memories we made & how much shit we got for being us but we didn't care because we had each other & nothing else mattered. Whatever happens though, don't fall hard into drugs or alcohol because i'll haunt you forever & I mean that. Just help my family through & be strong for me because I know you can be. I love you so much Bobbie Jo.

Hunter Scott, we used to be best friends. I fell in love with you many years ago. I went a year without talking to you & now we're cool I guess. I can't count how many times you broke my heart every time you left me but I guess that's how life works. Shit happens & we get over it. We went through a lot together as well. I don't hate you for what you did to me though because the positive memories still count. It was just always me who put all the effort into the friendship. The feeling was never mutual but for some reason, I thought I was worthy enough to be your friend. I can't blame you though. You're good at what you do. There's a part of me that wonders why I still run back to you every time I realize I can't replace you. Maybe I'm still in love with you. Maybe I want to believe that what we had was real when it wasn't. Maybe I just want the reality of it all to be that the feeling was mutual between us. Maybe I just can't hate you because I have a big ass heart. If something ever happens to me, I want you to know that I always loved you, no matter how much shit you put me through. I love you so much Hunter.

Jon & Brittany, thank you for taking care of me when I got taken away. I couldn't have asked for better foster parents. Whatever happens, just make sure you remember me for who I was & tell Tay & Tae about me when they grow up. I love you both.

Skylar, you were my first boyfriend. You've put me through more than you know. I know you hate me rn, but I still love you.

Rose, you're like my other mom. You've helped me through a lot. I love you so much.

Shannon, you're also like another mom to me. You've been there since I was a tween & I couldn't have asked for anyone better. Thank you for everything. I love you.

Makayla, we've known each other for years & been through hella shit. Thank you for always letting me stay every weekend & letting me eat all of your food. Don't let Mia grow up without hearing my name. I love you to the moon & back.

Mackenzie, we went through a lot together. You were my first girlfriend. It took me forever to get over you but I'm happy for you & Raven. I love you bunches. Thank you for everything.

Bentley & Braelynn, I'm your Mommy's sister. That makes me your guys' Aunt. I love you guys to the moon & back. You guys probably won't remember me when you get older but you guys are my world.

Violet, I'm your Mommy's cousin. I'll probably never get to meet you but I love you so much.

Everyone else, thank you all for being there for me, even though I always thought I was alone. I love you all.

To those who didn't know me, I always thought of myself as the nicest girl around. I had the biggest heart yet everyone took me for granted. If one day, you all read these letters, please make sure you remember me as the person I was, not the person I pretended to be.