Let me explain to you what it feels like to be told you are fat, a worthless parent, not good enough. Stupid, lazy, crazy. It’s heart breaking it does something to a person they can never fully get over. The thoughts replay throughout my mind daily. I question myself when I know better but after being put down for so long you start to believe you are absolutely worthless. Let me convey the emotions that rip through a young woman like myself when she is convinced she is someone’s forever. Let me express the hope and loyalty that is instilled inside of a girl who built up wall after wall only to feel as though they were peacefully torn down by a man who pulled her deeply into his love. I cannot formulate those emotions into words the same way I cannot describe the way it felt to have you rip that all to pieces.
I want you to know that I loved you. I loved you through every emotional part of the roller coaster you have brought into my life. I loved you on the days that you were pleasant and kind and also the days you were unrecognizable to me. I loved you through changing circumstance. I even loved you when you decided that you didn’t love me anymore. I think a part of me still loves you while I sit here in the darkness, face hot with tears rolling down my face. But what I want you to know most is that I still love myself, and I still know what love really is.
The difference between you and I is that my love is unwavering. It is a love that is deep inside of my soul and gives restoration to my faith in other people. It is a love that I was taught when I was a little girl. People in this world are going to hurt me. They have, and they will again. They will love me and they will hate me. Sometimes they will do both, as you have decided to do.
You have broken my heart, I’m gonna have to start all over again. All the walls going back up etc. I genuinely hope that you will understand what you’ve done to me one day. So, I will probably allow a few more tears to fall down tonight in your honor. I will most likely shed more when I listen to a song we used to sing or see something I know would make you smile. But I will be OK. I will be OK because the love inside of me is strong and true. I will be OK because no matter how many people trample on my heart, they will never take my love. No one can, not even you. If you could feel the way you’ve made me feel for just one second you’d never be able to look me in the eye again!
With love,
Danielle.
