This is my story from the being. In this I have became naked for you, uncovering the layers that I mask everyday. I am not asking for I’m sorry or sympathy. This isn’t for attention this is for me to cope.
On October 16 2006 Grandpa passed
Age 9.5
This first time I felt abandoned
The first time I felt alone
The only person that believed in me left me alone. The first time I felt like the world hated me. Like I didn’t deserve a space here. The very first time I wanted die at the age of 9.
I am much more than a victim
Fall of 2011
The first time a man touched me. The first time I was told I was beautiful. The first time I said yes when I really meant no. The first time a man hurt me. The first time I was hit by a man. The very first time I felt like I deserved this pain because I wasn’t good enough. The first time I was raped and certainly not the last by him. The first time I had to fight for my life but not to hard or I might die. Die at the age of 14 by the hands of a man who I though loved me.
I am much more than a Victim
9th grade spring 2012
The very first time I made myself bleed because I couldn’t bare the pain. The first time I followed all the way through with my plan but didn’t make the cut deep enough. I was told that I was stupid for even trying. I tired dying at the age of 15.
I am much more than a victim
January 2016
I kept quit about everything until now. I went through nights of pain and reliving the assaults at night. To wanting to leave the world behind. Until I met a man I believe was no different than others. He lived in a different state but we made it work. I fell in love with this man. He was everything, moved in 8 months later things were great until he got angry. Then I was the target. Nights were car rides would become my life flashing before my eyes. Things I would say and regret once the bruise start showing. Being afraid of his voice. Falling out of love but not knowing how to leave. Then it was over.
I am much more than a victim
Now.
I can’t sleep, eating is hard it makes me sick. I cry way to much and dying crosses my mind at least once a day. I am suffocating in my own home. I am looking for help but struggling . But I found someone who makes me smile like I smile when I was 8 before everything happen. Someone that makes me laugh and feel happy again. I am 20 being treated like I should be scared of everything. being treated like I am victim But I am not a victim. I am much more. I am a human being, I am a person, I am Nichol and I am worth fighting for. I am worth believing in.
I am much more than a victim, I am Nichol Dudley and I am here to stay.
