I am the Ghost.

Subject: I am the Ghost.
From: That girl
Date: 19 Sep 2020

Dear Ghostees.

You know who I am. The girl you think is generous. Is a bit flaky but reliable in that she keeps a promise. But she hasn’t replied to your messages. You probably think it’s your fault. Or are worried about me. The truth is, I just don’t have anything to say. I’m fine, I’m terms of my physical health. I could probably exercise smarter and eat better. But I don’t binge or starve myself. The next question would be my mental or emotional health. This is less straightforward. The mystics might call what I’m having ‘a dark night of the soul’, the doctors, depression, but for me neither of those fits the bill. I feel a deep sadness, a grief which seems to have no bearing on my everyday existence, and a surface calmness. All my superficial exchanges with people feel false, I feel alarmingly detached. I take no pleasure in anything I do and feel like a zombie. I’m not suicidal. It feels as if there is nothing there to kill. But it feels as if the person you all knew was a fake and I can’t revive her, even for show. I know our friendships were all very real. But I don’t know that you’d recognise me now, I barely do. I have faith that she is in there somewhere, that I am not a ghost. But I feel so hollow as to have no substance to any of you. I feel light as a feather but with a grief and a yearning that goes through my feet and deep into the earth. I have faith that I will find what I am looking for and this deep grief will end. But I know it will be on new soil and I don’t think we share the same journey anymore.