A letter to myself, and to those who had the courage to let the one they love go.
Without you, he would have to look for something to fill the other side of his mattress, where you once confessed undying love for each other through tears, laughter, bites on necks and tangled hair. When the stories that were told on that mattress are so easily overwritten by another femme, you will inevitably envy her for grasping the thing that you once caught, loved, and let go. With his arm underneath her neck, he will be reminded of you through the hole that you accidentally put in the wall on your, now her, side of the bed, with your head, and the hooks on his ceiling which you once hung small things that you know would make him happy because you knew, and know him better than anyone else. He will look over at the hole that you burnt through his floor when you left a candle lit for too long, when, he once loved you enough to let you move into his bedroom. He will look around at the empty spaces on walls and shelves where trinkets and photos and reminders of you once lay and hung. You were a tornado of both kindness and destruction and he bathed and thrived in every second of it. You, made the decision to kill the love you grew together before it completely destroyed you. It was something too strong for reality and drained you of everything you once had, including yourself. Your instinct, head and heart, the people around you, were all concerned and trying to warn you about your negative well-being, which you simply did not accept because of how lost you were. Out of insecurity and doubt, you would ask him questions related to what all the signs were saying and he would respond with what he knew you wanted to hear. Because to men, femmes are jewels, brought into the world to be pawned, traded and bought, and once in possession, hopefully kept, through roses and kisses and most importantly, empty empty promises. He was able to keep you around using everything he could until you had nothing left but that love for him and you were so, so, drained, tired exhausted. So you ended it. Because you know that in your lifetime you deserve more than just tired love. And after you ended it, you might see how quick he is to move on, looking to replace you with someone else.
At first, you are so upset. Heartbroken. How could he? All of the things that he said,
“The thought of being with anyone else disgusts me after being with you”
“I’ve never loved anyone so much”
And, my favorite,
“If we were ever to break up, I wouldn’t want to see anyone for a long time”
After the initial wave of anger and sadness, comes a rush of relief. This whole time, that you thought you were crazy for having these doubts in your head during the relationship, weren’t doubts. They were totally and completely, true and valid. The answers he gave you denying the questions you once asked him surrounding the bad feelings you had were simply cons, and they successfully convinced you to stick around. This person didn’t NEED you in his life. And he doesn’t need you in his life. He wants, needs. Somebody. Anybody. A person. You aren’t as special as he once made you think and he is looking for anyone who is willing to take the place of what you were. But, nobody will be as good for him, as you. He, just wasn’t good enough for you. And he, will be reminded of that through the hole in the wall, and floor, the things of yours and the things you gave him that he threw away. And lastly, he will resent himself, so much, when he sees that your spot on his mattress is taken up by another person. Because, all they do is remind him of how they will never, ever, make you feel as good as you once did.
