Hula Heart

Subject: Hula Heart
From: Ali
Date: 4 Jun 2019

He’s discarded us and we are both hiding the chide of raw rejection.. Why dear heart can’t we come together in our need? We share the same body, the same blood, but we tear and tear at each other with meanness and pity and guilt and blame.. Why dear heart when we are all we’ve got forever do we do this? Are we so far apart in our feelings that we seek others to replace the beating of our own one blood through our veins? Is the containment so constricting, that we are destined to scream and ach and cavort for external distraction ceaselessly? Or is that just me doing that… keeping you up all night with my doubts and fears and worries? When you just want to hula in to a moonlit pool and sway in its gently lapping waves?

Should we call upon our soul to soothe us? Where can we look for the comfort that we seek? Can’t we just stop looking to each other to blame, come together, show ourselves some love, even if we are not very happy with our self…. myself, or temperament or behaviour. Well, at least I am not… and I suspect you too dear heart are not happy with ‘my’ mercurial ways, my shameful loss of control, my ANGRY ANGER that flares from seemingly nowhere and then causes US endless pain… because I can never forgive myself and I feel your reprimand and your shunning of me through the humble bones of our rib cage. I feel you squeeze, plummeting crestfallen and blue into my stomach, then I feel our stomach recoil from my violent tongue’s profanity and visceral emotions, shunning me too.

Dear heart, if you can’t forgive me, why can’t you stop me? I mean if you are the one who gives me love, who is supposed to love, then why don’t you step in and suffocate my runaway mouth? Surly, you of all organs feel the change in me, feel the weight of my emotions bearing down and bursting out of our skins? If you are supposed to be the loving, beating centre of all; then why do you abandon me in our hour of need? If this is a lesson that you are trying to teach me, then you need to be more insistent, because I am not understanding what I need to do to maintain the peace and solidarity between us.

Help me dear heart. Please dear heart, keep me lovingly by your side, and take care of me like a mother cares for her child. Hold me in your warm embrace and tell me that you love me and that we will get through this and that we are not ever alone. Not now, not then and not in the future, together for ever until we die. United in vein, sinew and muscle.

Are you there heart? I feel your tightened vice like grip around my chest loosen, I feel my lungs relax and fill with air. I lose the sound of white noise in my head and I feel a woozy cosiness wash over me. It’s you isn’t it dear heart! You haven’t abandoned me really. I knew you wouldn’t! I knew I could count on you, my one true friend, my only champion. The only organ in the whole world who knows me to the bones and back and despite shying away from my eruptions and my taki turn ways, you’ve never failed us yet….

I love you beating heart. Please stay strong for me and be there still when I do wrong and hurt you terribly because I don’t want to do that dear heart. Truly I don’t, not now, not ever and never again.

I love you dear heart, or I try to.