Hey A,
I wish one day you knew how much it destroyed me when you left. I was never ready for you to leave. I never want to miss you, miss your smile, your eyes, your voice, your laugh and your existence. Because I wanted you forever to be in my arms. I could spend long hours looking at you and your smile. Do you even realize how amazing you were to me? I never regret you for once, because at one point, you were exactly what I needed. You spent your day and night with me. At some point you showed me your love and your care towards me. You used to call me beautiful. But how could you be so ugly towards me at the end of our relationship. You said you misses me every day. But why you’re the reason for us to be apart. You claim to love me forever, but why do I always feel like you hate me. You make me feel worthless at the end when in the beginning you make me feel special like I’m the only princess you ever wanted. I could never forget your promises. You wanted me to be your only wife, wanted me to be the mother to your children, wanted me to be the woman of your life. We planned for the future together. But those were just lies.
I wanted to fight for you. But you didn’t care. You were too quick to decide to leave me and you don’t mind losing me. As I was fighting, I realized I was fighting to be taken for granted and to be disappointed. So, I stopped fighting for you, and started to cope with the pain and fight to let you go.
The words that hurts me the most was when you tell me ‘’it’s over’’, ‘’don’t waste your time and energy sending me messages I will not read’’ ‘’if you want we can be friends but not more than that’’ and those sentences really did break me. I feel shattered.
Throughout our relationship, it did cross my mind to leave you, cause of the way you treat me when you were mad. You manipulate me making yourself the victim every time my anxiety and overthinking occurs. End up it was me to be blame and will have to apologize for having to feel how I felt. Apologizing for sharing with you my emotions and my thoughts. I was labeled as someone who loves fight. But you didn’t realize, it was because of how you retaliate that causes the fights. You only treat me right and love me when it’s convenient for you. When I was at my worse, you hate me, you used cold and silent treatment as a punishment, you make me feel worthless even though you know, I have anxiety. You emotionally abused me. With the treatments you gave me when I was down and the words you used on me when you were mad. You wanted to be respected, but you didn’t respect me when you were mad. You said, ‘’ I am insane’’, ‘’I have to go check my mental age’’,’’ I am childish, weird’’, ‘’you would never marry a girl like me who disrespect you’’. If I treated you, the way you treated me, you would hate me even more. And the fact that you always go days without me for whatever reason and always run away from me whenever we fight is something I can’t go on with. You make me sleep at night feeling worthless every time we fight because you didn’t want to settle our issues right away and just keep giving me cold treatment. And then I’ll be emotionally drained, and I tend to lose my focus on other things which are much more important than you.
Since the breakup I was thinking to myself, am I that easy to let go? If I flip the situation the cause of our break up, I would never leave you. I would never want to lose you. I might just be mad. But not to leave you for that reason. I had a lot of reasons to give you up. But I still choose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay. But you chose to give up. It’s okay, I may have lost someone who didn’t sincerely love me, but you lost someone who truly loved you. At the end of the day, I am at peace because my intentions are good, and my heart is pure. I was willing to do anything for you. I listened to you, I willingly did everything you want me to do without complaining. Because of the respect I have for you as my future husband. I still do love you. But sometimes, love doesn’t mean we have to be together. I have tried too much to make it work but the more I try, the more things are complicated. I’ll never forget you. I don’t want to either. But soon my feelings will fade away because there is always darkness with you.
Along with sadness from missing you, I’m still honored to be once your baby. I hope one day, you will realize I did truly care and love you. I promise, you’re going to miss me being there, putting up with you, refusing to give up on you. I hope you’re going to miss my good morning text, my tiktoks, my silly face, my grumpy face, me being silly, miss the fights, miss my voice, miss my long paragraphs after a fight. I hope one day you realize, that I was worth the fight. But you didn’t fight hard enough. I sincerely loved you, still am.
