You won’t be able to know this and I don’t want you to. But against my better judgement, I am writing this now assure myself I have done the right decision.
I miss you so much. I never enjoyed anyone’s company as much as yours. Being with you has always been mentally stimulating, like I’m always playing a mind game. I miss how fast you speak; your choice of words where most of my vocabulary came from; and the topics you want to chew over. I could talk to you for four hours straight without running out of something to discuss about. Well actually, we had been doing that.
You have taught me to be more outspoken and direct. And because of your sky-rocketing arrogance, ironically I have learned to be humble. I’ve become comfortable with you and not long after I’ve understood how your mind works and how your emotions control you. I discovered your quirks and learned to love them. Everything is fun and games until one day I woke up to a dream where I was spending my life with you. Soon, I developed a crush on you. I know it’s hard for you to believe since I practically shut you out when you said “I love you”, when you went looking for me in every room in Law Building, when we chatted on facebook, and when you invited me to your café. Cold, right? What can I say? That’s the way I am, cold and heartless as a stone.
I want to say “I love you too”, drag you inside my classroom to introduce you to everyone I know, dress up and immediately head to your café, and many more. I have been controlling myself. Having a relationship as early as now is impractical. We’re still students. Our parents pay their hard-earned money to send us to school and that’s what we should be focused on, nothing else. How could we trust each other fully when our parents can’t even trust us on doing our 100% on our academics? Should I steal the time you should be doing your school works and gaining lifetime friends for a relationship we are not certain of? And if I said yes now, I don’t want you to date me using the allowance your mom gives you every week. We need to face the truth that it’s not our season yet and frankly I do not know if we even have a season in God’s time. We should not awaken love until it so desires.
Also, we’re still changing. I don’t want to make you a victim of my immaturity in the same way I don’t want to be a victim of anyone’s immaturity. You’ve got a tangled mind and I bet mine is no less tangled than yours. We need a whole lot more wisdom and growing up to do. I know I am not ready for you yet and I refuse to present you an underdeveloped me. I don’t want to be a burden to carry and I wouldn’t forgive myself if I happen to hold you back from your true potential. If ever we come together in the future, I want to make sure I already know how to properly care for you and make you proud that you have me. That time, I would be able to fully accept your flaws and cheer you on. I want to cherish you the way you deserved to be cherished.
I am disappointed on how our friendship had become and I would be lying if I say, “I didn’t notice that you’re falling for me.” I saw signs but I ignored them thinking it’s too good to be true. And for that, I am deeply sorry. I led you on and in the end; I am giving you these “excuses” not to say “I love you too". I do love you, bellieve me. I just can't say it, not right now.
