To the guy who led me on

Subject: To the guy who led me on
From: Me
Date: 30 Jan 2017

I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe I think it'll help me get over you. Or maybe reading this will help someone feel less alone tomorrow, or next month, or a few years from now. That would be alright too.

I feel incredibly stupid. I always thought I was a pretty smart person, but how smart can I be if I couldn't even see what you were doing. Looking back on it, I know now that you were using me. Or perhaps I'm overreacting and reading too much into all those late night texts.

Actually, no, I am not overreacting, because even if it wasn't your intention, you hurt me, and the way I feel is valid, even if it's hard for me to admit to myself. And I feel stupid saying these things, it's not like you cheated on me. You were never mine and I was never yours to cheat on, but somehow I feel a lot of the betrayal that I imagine I would if you had.

Obviously I'm having a lot of mixed feelings. Am I stupid for letting you do this for 3 months? We talked every single day for 3 months, and I still couldn't see. And that may not seem like a very long time, but it is for someone like me. For years I was very careful about letting anyone get too close, and I convinced myself that you were different. I convinced myself that pushing myself out of my comfort zone with your help would be worth it. And maybe it was worth it, maybe I learned a lesson here, but right now I'm far too hurt to see how anything good could come from feeling like this.

Part of me just wants to go back, and stop myself from ever speaking to you, because this sucks. The other part of me hopes this will be a good thing for me one day. That it'll make me stronger or whatever other lies people tell themselves to cope with heartbreak. Wow. I've talked about this situation a few times with some close friends and that's the first time I used the word heartbreak. But that's what this is right? You broke my heart. I can't believe I'm saying that. I didn't think I would ever say that.
I always saw broken hearted teenage girls on TV and promised myself I wouldn't let that happen to me. But I did, didn't I?

For starters, I definitely should have seen this coming. I look back at our friendship now and see that you never really cared about me at all, did you? I was always there for you, always asked if you were okay, always reminded you that I cared and I was always available if you wanted to talk. There were countless nights I stayed up with you talking about things that didn't matter just because you asked me to distract you from your pain. I can't believe that I didn't realize how I got NONE of that in return. You never stayed up late with me, you never sat up at night hoping that everything would work out for me, you never told me dumb jokes just to cheer me up, you never even asked me if I was okay. And the one time you did ask it was out of politeness, because you changed the subject back to yourself almost immediately.

I don't totally understand why you did what you did. Was it to make someone else jealous? Was it to make the girl you're with right now jealous?

Was I just a shoulder to cry on? Just someone to cheer you up when you were sad?

Was I just someone to stroke your ego?

Someone to fill your time until a better offer came along?

You told me once how much you hated your ex-girlfriend for always making you seem like an asshole, but I wonder now if she was right.

Hopefully you'll never see this, and if you do I pray to God you never know that it's about you.

You probably don't even know that I'm upset with you right now, or maybe you just don't care because you got what you really wanted, right? If you were just using me to make someone else jealous, I guess it finally worked.

And then you have the nerve to tell me all about her, as if you don't know you led me on for months. The things you said to me? There's no way any of that was an accident.

I'm not sure how I'll get over this. We had so much in common, introduced each other to so many new things, and now I see you everywhere I look. And it isn't fair. You've tainted everything. All of our inside jokes seem stupid now. It seems stupid that even now, thinking back on all of them makes me just want to forgive you. Who knows? Maybe I will. Maybe I'll sit and listen to you talk about how wonderful this girl is, I'm not sure yet. And I hate that.

The point is, I don't get why you did this. I don't even know if it matters now. I'm probably being too dramatic, I always have been. I've tried to be angry, and sometimes I am. It's easier to be angry than to be sad.

I wish you the best, I don't think you're a bad person and I want nothing but happiness for you. Maybe one day we'll even be real friends, I think I would like that, but right now it doesn't seem realistic. Take care.